Hello, my friends. It’s been a while since I posted, and I wanted to give you an update—especially since a few of you have written me recently asking if I’m okay.
I’m okay. But just okay. It’s been a rough few months here at ChronicBabe HQ. I’ll tell you about it now, because a big part of the reason I run this project is to show the real side of life with chronic illness, including all of its ups and downs. And I want to fill you in on how this part of my business works, too, because it has bearing on how often I’m able to create new content.
Acute illness
In December 2016 and January 2017, I had an extreme upper respiratory infection that lasted for weeks and sent me to the hospital. It was very scary—struggling to breathe always is, right? Because of that, I missed a lot of fun holiday celebrations and travel. It took me a very long time to recover, and during that time, I was almost completely unable to work. That meant client work fell behind schedule, ChronicBabe projects fell behind schedule, and I spent a lot of time in my PJs… which sounds dreamy but seriously, after a few weeks, a girl just wants to put on a bra and get outside, right?
I think all of us know how hard it is to live with chronic illness, and think it should prepare us for handling acute illness all breezy-like, except it doesn’t. In fact, I kind of resented the acute illness; how DARE I get another illness on top of all the other crap I have to manage day in and day out! Sigh… this is just life. It does help some, but when we’re already sick all the time and we pile on another sickness, it’s really tough.
A beautiful thing is that I rallied for a couple days in there and got married! It was a tiny ceremony with a tiny group of friends, and low-pressure, and just perfect. I’m very lucky I found enough health to enjoy that day.
Family tragedy
Quick on the heels of my recovery from acute illness, my mother-in-law became gravely ill. My husband and I drove overnight to be with her and our family, and ended up staying out of town (mostly at the hospital, and then a hospice center) for a couple weeks. She passed away, we held a lovely service, and came home. And I felt completely numb. I’m crying as I write this. I only knew Connie for about seven years, but I saw what an incredible presence she was in the family, and I’m forever grateful to have gotten to know and love her.
Watching my husband, his brother, and the rest of the family grapple with this experience and loss has been intense, to say the least. And sitting with someone for days on end as they slowly die is, well, profoundly life-changing. I believe that her spirit lives on within us all forever, and I will do my best to honor her throughout the rest of my life. And I’m trying my hardest to support my family as they grieve and deal with all of the fallout that comes with losing someone so close. On top of the grieving process, we have a lot of related mundane and bureaucratic tasks ahead of us, which will take time and energy.
Depression and anxiety
Regular readers of ChronicBabe know I already deal with depression and anxiety in my daily life. I’m usually well-managed, but sometimes slip into dips of depression. Well, losing my mother-in-law really threw me down in the pit. My depression has been intense, and it’s been tough some days just to get out of bed, let alone get any work done. Some days I’m lucky if I make it out of my PJs. I’m working with my therapist, and all my healthcare providers are up to speed, and my husband is amazingly supportive, as are my friends. But the reality is, depression is a very real presence in my life now. I have to fight every day to get shit done. I wake up some mornings with extreme anxiety attacks, for no definitive reason (thank goodness for medication and breathing techniques).
I’m doing my best to get it under control, and I’m working with my docs and my support network to do so. Lifestyle modifications help. Warmer weather helps. The start of gardening season really helps. Quilting helps. I’m grasping at every opportunity for fun and support and distraction. The depression action plan is fully in motion.
But meanwhile, there are just days… days when I have a hard time remembering anything, or focusing my mind to work. And that’s extremely difficult.
Economic pressures of balancing advocacy work and client work
And then there’s my economic reality. ChronicBabe does not pay my bills. In fact, most months, I operate at a financial and time deficit in order to keep it operating. It costs money to keep the site running, to host all the content I provide. It takes time and energy and software and camera equipment (and wow, do I need a new laptop) to create and serve up content week after week. I love it—that’s why I’ve been doing it for 12 years—but it sure doesn’t pay the bills. I’m thrilled that my membership program, the Secret Club, is popular and that I’m able to help people through that program. Offering that one paid portion of my work has helped defray the costs of everything else I do that is ChronicBabe.
But my client work is what really pays the bills, so in times like these—when I’m stressed to the max and have very little time or energy for much at all—I have to prioritize client work over my ChronicBabe advocacy work. I wish that weren’t the case, but it just is.
That means, unfortunately, that I haven’t had as much time as I’d like to work on ChronicBabe every day.
The big picture
I get letters, lots of letters. It makes me so happy and lifts me up when y’all write to me.
Folks write me, telling me how much they value ChronicBabe (that means so much to me—thank you!). Some folks write in, asking why I haven’t made an AWAP Wednesday video in a while (I miss it, too, and I can’t wait to get back to making them—thank you!). Some folks wonder why I even have to charge for anything at all (in fact, some folks are total jerks about it, insisting I have no right to charge for any of my services—no thank you!). I welcome all of your letters and feedback. I love knowing how much ChronicBabe means to you. Even the few jerks. (If I’m not pissing off at least a few folks, then I’m not being my most authentic self, right?!)
The reality is this: During this challenging time, I have to prioritize. I want to be able to do more with ChronicBabe, but temporarily, I can’t. That means I won’t be filming AWAP Wednesday videos for at least a couple more weeks. I’ll still be hosting Facebook live videos, and sending newsletters, and spending time on social media. I’ll be finishing my book, which is almost complete—I swear! I’ll keep operating the Secret Club, which is a big project and keeps this entire ChronicBabe enterprise operating.
I want to do more. I wish I could do more. I hope you understand. It literally makes me cry thinking about how much more I want to do with ChronicBabe—if I had the ability (the funding!) it would be my entire business. It is my heart and soul, my life’s work, my calling, and I miss being able to spend hours a day on it. But right now, I simply have to scale back.
I’m not writing this so you can feel sorry for me or my family, or to move you to any type of action. It’s simply time for me to be upfront and honest with you about where I am in this business, and where I hope to be. We’re in this together, you and I. We’re a community.
After many difficult months, things are starting to be on the upswing, and I truly believe that within the next year, ChronicBabe will be my full-time gig—with a bestseller book, a bigger and more bad-ass website, tons of workshops and speaking gigs around the country, and much more. For now, I hope you’ll take advantage of the backlog of more than 120 videos, hundreds of blog posts, and active social media networks I can still offer.
I’m still here.
I’m not going anywhere, I swear. And like I said, things are on the upswing. I hope you’ll be patient and compassionate as I move through this difficult time, just as I try to teach folks to be—and as I try to be with folks who are struggling. Just like you, I have ups and downs. Thanks for being here, and understanding. Your words of encouragement are hugely helpful.
As I gather my energies and prepare for the next phase of ChronicBabe awesomeness, I *am* in the market for fresh ideas for AWAP Wednesday videos. So if you’re moved to share your questions and ideas, please do so here. Thank you!
And thank you for taking the time to read this, and sending love and light to me and my family. Much love, Jenni
Hi Jenni,
Thank you for being your usual role model of your authentic self.
I’m so sorry for your losses – your mother-in-law, your acute health / and loss of the holidays / your depression (it’s such a huge loss to be in that state, I know it well too) and everything else that’s been going on for you. It’s not just been raining but pouring over at Chronic Babe HQ.
I support you a 100-fold to continue to be your authentic self in which you provide a huge example of self care. And self care amidst crises takes time (and energy and effort, all of which are in shorter supply when we’re in the trenches).
And I’m so glad you are focusing on your priorities. That you have the health to even continue to do some of your work. And I know and trust you’ll be back when you can, and that’s good enough for me.
I send you lots of gentle hugs and virtual support. And some virtual fun new PJs just to keep things “light” during this process that takes time because we are, after all, human.
🙂
veronique, thank you, love. you’re the best. your message means the world to me. hugs!
Jenni! Thank you for everything you do. You must take care of yourself first. Love what you do. I can’t wait for the book to be released. Take care. Soft hugs!
thanks, mary. hugs!
How very real. I salute your courage in writing to us in all candor. No two human stories are the same (I learned after reading college writing for almost 25 years at a wonderful university), but there are absolutely themes and commonalities. I see shades of my story in yours. I’d never be so glib as to say, “I understand.” But I DO “understand from my own point of view.” OF COURSE you have to let some things “ride”. In doing so, you’re being a role model…not that you have to be. Your expression of your authentic self is empowering to us all.
thanks, toran. i do know that you understand, as much as any human could! thank you for your support and awesomeness. hugs!
Jenni: Thank you, thank you, thank you. As I face my own challenging changes (mostly work related but with a few health zingers thrown in), it’s so good to hear your honesty and forthrightness. I was only recently feeling tangled up and frustrated by the lack of energy/time to post my blog essays. Your writing helps me own my experience and not justify or apologize for how I am right in this moment. And I will get that next essay up, darn it. Big hugs your way!
oh, thanks diane! i really appreciate your comments here. hugs hugs!
As we do understand, You Take Care of You. Thank you for including us…And CONGRATULATION on your Nuptials <3
thanks lee! getting marries has been such a gift in the mix. i’m a very lucky lady in that regard. hugs!
Thank you for your honesty. It’s a tough balance, doing what we love, caring for ourselves and being there for those big life challenges that arise. I was ticking off a pain chart yesterday thinking, hmmm … pain’s not so bad … then remembered it’s because I’ve ruthlessly cut out everything but the essentials and even then, sometimes it’s really hard. Do what you have to do to stay whole and focussed on the things that are critical … you and your family, your health, and whatever you need to do to keep that together. You don’t need to apologize to anyone for that. 🙂
thank you, mar. i appreciate that so much. big hugs!
you keep doing what you need to do for you and yours, glitter britches–you know we got you, pants or not <3 <3 <3
smooches! with pants on! 😉 xoxo
Thanks for your honesty. You’re an inspiration and an encouragement to me!
thanks, stephanie, that is music to my ears. hugs!
Sending you love, light, and blessing. Thank you for your honesty. I feel like shit today myself —- but we carry on, don’t we? Sometimes a lot more slowly, sometimes having to put some things down for awhile. At least we know that this, too, shall pass. (And then it will be some OTHER big challenge, but heh—- that’s our lives!) Keep hanging. What you have done with Chronic Babe matters — it’s made a huge difference, and when you’re doing better, it wil get even better. Love to you, Cat
thanks cat! i appreciate YOU and all that you do for our community, too. hugs hugs!
Jenni…..
Such a breath of fresh air you are!
I get it. I hear you. It’s okay. I will get better. And, yes, we’re here… right here. Not going anywhere.
In the depths of all that makes us human we find ourselves sometimes each other and sometimes we find that it’s all pretty good.
With admiration and support,
Tam
thanks, tam. you are so sweet. i appreciate you. hugs –
That should say “it will get better” not I. Lol ughhhh
Sending love and gentle hugs your way. Thank you for being real with us.
thanks kathy – you are awesome.
Jenni, all the above comments about self-care and sticking to your priorities are so true! Do what you need to do to recover your life. You know we’ll all be here when you get back. Love you, Lady!!
thanks, fran! you’re a doll. xo!
Gentle hugs to you. As far as costs of the site – have you considered Patreon?
thank you – i appreciate that. i have considered patreon – will look into it with more gusto now. thank you!
Thank you Jenni for always being so authentic and real! It helps me to know Im not alone in my daily struggles. So sorry for all your losses this year. I pray the year will get better for you. Thank you for making chronicbabe a safe and happy place to come! Take care
thanks, jamie. you’re the best. hugs hugs!
Hiya, I’m fairly new here but just wanted to say thank you for being so honest and sharing so much. Thinking of you at this difficult time and I hope things get a bit easier soon. Take the time you need and please feel no guilt.
I’ve started exploring your chronic babe stuff a little bit and already found things that are helping me. Just wanted to let you know you’re really helping people with the stuff you’ve already done and are able to do just now. Thank you xxx
that is so lovely, kathryn. thank you so much! glad you’re here. 🙂
I truly appreciate your willingness to share your experiences and thoughts with all of us. Thanks for all you do and give of yourself. You’ve inspired me in so many ways!
So sorry things have been so much more difficult lately.
Thrilled you found the time, health and energy to get married. I’m wishing you laughter and kids giggles, fuzzy blankets, warm socks and sweats toasty from the dryer on chilly days and cool breezes and shade on hot ones. May you have a home home where no one os a stranger, friends that make you laugh til your sides hurt, family that make you cry happy tears. Hope thete are tails that wag so hard the butts they’re attached to wiggle madly, soft kitty kisses (nose touches and gentle headbutts)! Lots more hugs…the really good ones, that make everything ok, even if just for a bit. Good memories. Someone at your back. Random acts of kindness from strangers. Knowledge. Compasssion. Understanding. Courage. Luck. And more love than you can handle!
susan, you’re the sweetest! thank you for all these well wishes. i wish the same for you! hugs hugs –
Hi Jenni,
Thanks for being human and then putting it out there for everyone to see/read! With chronic illness I am always trying to sort get my head around it so I can just get a little bit of control. I have always found comfort by how honest with the good and bad of life living in, not with (I think at times) chronic illness you have been/are with all of us. You have a great humor, which can help a lot, not only with chronic illness, but living as well. I was thinking about the illness on top of illnesses thing and I just had a thought!
Not being heathy at times slows people down, but when a person is sick all the time, a change starts to happen.
What I started to see is my not healthy self had a magnifying lens that made my life difficult to see and understand in relation to my old healthy self. So, what was happening as my chronic illness wore on, the lens made everything seem bigger including and especially any acute sicknesses. Sometimes, as this went on, 20 yrs now, it got so magnifyingly huge I felt it was going to swallow me whole!
All I am saying is it is very, very difficult to pull myself out and see the lens for really what it is, the hellish suffering that doesn’t stop most of the time. This is when I remind myself to move the lens to see other parts of my life to enjoy them too, like humor, sunsets, music, art, and friends, understanding that the magnification lens of chronic illness is not all there is to living, that the suffering is only a part of this gray zone of being alive!
I hope this helps.
Some how reading you letter to us chronic babes, just got this stream of consciousness thoughts going for me, thanks for inspiring me to write this reply!!!!
oh ruth, you are the sweetest. thanks for sharing this! i’m so glad to see you making the most of things even though it’s so difficult. it’s inspiring, really, and i’m glad you’re sharing it with the chronicbabe community. hugs!
Jenn
You forever have the grace and humor to make the most out of your life. I haven’t been writing much lately because of illness and the inability to find the “up” side of things. I appreciate your honesty and passion to help others. I am actually making my blog private due to hackers. If you want I can add your email to the list of approved readers.
Thanks
Lisamarie
hi lisamarie, thank you so much! sorry you’ve had struggles too – hackers suck! hugs –
oh jenni,
thank you so much for sharing. i’ve been following you for years but never comment.
so my birthday was a few days ago – i try to ignore my birthday – but i know it’s better than the alternative. 😉
i walk over to the museum and see this…
https://www.facebook.com/nadine.shapiro
seriously? i actually find it pretty funny and hope you do to. 🙂
~nadine
oh, that’s hilarious! (and happy birthday!)
Jenni,
Thank you for sharing your story. It is truly moving in many ways and I salute you for doing as much as you do. I’ve also had a bad few months and have been filled with guilt and depression etc. because of it. It is nice to know that I’m not alone in this journey. I wish you and your family comfort and peace.
Best,
Sharon
aw, sharon – thank you so much. big hugs to you! i hope you get some relief soon, too.
Thank you Jenni for pulling the curtain aside on very personal issues to show us all that you know about so many difficult problems because you have to deal with them yourself. I am sending you support and thanks for being who you are warts and all because I know that you care about people warts and all too! Take care Jenni and thank you again for sharing; it is making me take a closer look at some things in my own world. Sending you and your family caring thoughts and support.
Always,
Christina
thanks, christina. you’re awesome and i appreciate you. hugs hugs!
Sending you love and sparkles and non-ouchy hugs 🙂 My heart is with you and your family <3
thanks jennie! (always nice to meet a fellow jenni/y/ie!)
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
You do you! And most certainly what is best for you & do not for a single nano-micro second feel like you should apologize for your needs or priorities. In the face of all that you have been dealt this year, you have been nothing but brave & determined. I’m not sure how many people, even those who do not deal with any 😷 on a daily basis, would have handled the same situation. Anyhow, that’s why you’re awesome & anyone who gives you s@!& is not.
thanks, cayce. i really appreciate that! hugs hugs!
Hi Jennie, sending healing comforting hugs to you. But more than that I send thanks for you, as many others have said similar. I’ve read this at the right time for me (thanks again Universe). I’m really struggling in so many ways rite now, wracking my brain for the ideas n strength to keep going, AND we are in the process of finding our forever home. I was dreading the actual move, I now feel that will be the easier part, finding a home to suit my unique needs is proving to be the exhausting, frustrating challenge. I am grateful for you and inspired by you Jennie.
Sending you love, light and blessings, Leanne in Australia (also going into the colder weather)
hi leanne, i’m sorry you’ve had to go through similar things! thanks for your kind words here. hugs!
I am so sorry for all you have gone through. My deepest sympathies to you and your family. And, my brightest wishes that you feel much better soon. (((HUGS)))
thanks, babe. i appreciate your message!
Thank you so much for being so open. I’m so sorry for all you’ve been dealing with and pulling back from some of your activities is completely understandable, but more than that, NEEDED for your sanity and over-all health.
Congrats on the marriage! So thankful you were able to enjoy the day!
thanks, kim! big hugs!