Your Aunt Sally wants to help you find a “real” doctor who will “cure” your rheumatoid arthritis. Your friend Reggie seems to think a vegan gluten-free paleo diet is just what you need to feel better, and he’s pretty insistent. Your co-worker Pam keeps bringing up your anxiety during staff meetings because she believes that talk therapy helps…and she seems to consider herself your therapist.
Sound familiar? I bet it does! In fact, I would bet you money there’s not a single one of us ChronicBabes who hasn’t been insulted by someone with well-meaning intention who gives crap advice. So, what to do when faced with unwanted, unsolicited advice?
Check out today’s video, in which I describe a pretty simple conversational model for handling conversations with folks who give unsolicited advice:
Now it’s your turn:
How have you handled conversations about “cures” and “salves” and “crazy unsolicited advice?” What works for you, and what has flopped? If you care to, share your story in the comments below this video’s post. We have AWESOME conversations every day at the site and I would LOVE for you to be part of the community! Did you like this video? Please “like” it on YouTube or Facebook and share it with your friends through social media. Want to watch more videos like this? Check out our AWAP Wednesday video playlist, which has more than four hours of guidance, advice, and bloopers.
Is there a question I can answer for YOU? Add it to the comments below, or shoot me an email.
Until we meet again: Be AWAP! Smooches! *AWAP = As Well As Possible
Oh this is so my life! My husband had a stranger overhear a conversation he was having about my health, the stranger came up to him and ripped a Catholic saint necklace off her neck and gave it to him. She told him he just needed to pray for me to be healed!! Thanks for making me laugh this morning, I needed it 🙂
Sometimes people get stuck in defining me as my illness, and since I work really hard to not define myself as my illness, it can be so offputting when all someone wants to do is talk about me as a sick person rather than me as an interesting woman in my own right, especially when I’m out at a party or out with friends.
One thing that has worked well for me is to be absolutely frank and say “Thank you, I hear you, and I’m touched that you care about me so much, but I came to this party/met you for lunch/am out for a coffee with you to get away from my daily reality for a little while so let’s talk about happier things.”
And for the people who aren’t asking out of caring, but are asking out of more of a “hey look at that car crash over there!” sort of mentality, I’ve lost all tact whatsoever and after an initial “Thanks” reply, if they insist on carrying on, I tell them quite frankly that how I treat my illness is not their business and is, quite frankly, an invasion of my privacy that I insist has to stop.
Oh my gosh. This. THIS! Why havent you tried alien acupuncture in a space suit/ why cant you just be normal? / everyone is tired, why are you different?
And the list goes on 🙂
Thanks for making me feel normal xx
If someone tells me to go Paleo one more time… Thanks for this post. I especially appreciate the opening thought where you point out that treatment plans are personal. I have a good friend with the same diagnosis and symptoms as me (chronic migraine), and the things that wok for us are sooo different. This is a helpful anecdote for me to pull out when people start offering advice. Lately I have also taken to saying “Thanks for thinking about my well being. What I’d love right now is to actually take my mind off of it. Let’s talk about you!” This way I get to decide when and what to divulge, and to whom. I need to talk about it, but on my own terms, when I’m receiving support, not educating others.
Thank you for saying! It always seems like a fine line between creating boundaries versus being thought of as rude or teacher time!
When I worked in retail I had a customer claim she could heal me through the power of Christ. I did my best not laugh while she “blessed” my arm and prayed to Jesus to banish the demons who had taken over my arm. When she was finished she said all I had to do was attend a certain church and I would be healed by the end of the service. LOL! I thanked her for advice and help and walked away. The next day she was arrested for shoplifting at the Walmart across from my store. It made me giggle.
I would love it if you told us what you do when a DOCTOR says some of this stuff. I’ve had one recently say “Oh, you look great… must be doing better” when in fact I have been much worse all of a sudden. I’m pretty good at dealing with friends, family, etc… but doctors are kind of different. They have your life in their hands (or at least your shot at a life with less pain!) and you don’t want to appear confrontational, but yet you want your needs met. Thanks.
Totally agree, it’s doctors that I have the hardest time with too,
it’s hard with doctors, though, because they’re supposed to give us advice… challenging!
Love this AWAP Wednesday video, Jenni–this works for all of us about ANY type of unsolicited advice! And so, so timely… I received two very juicy pieces of advice just this morning. My first response was, indeed, “Thank you so much for sharing!” Then, especially for the first jewel which was prefaced with the rhetorical question, “Would you like some advice because I know that, like me, you’re always looking to improve…?” I braced myself and tried really hard to listen. And it was, indeed, something I can learn from. The comment, however, was about how to be a better communicator, not how to manage my healthcare which is very, very personal and, by the way, subject to stringent privacy rules protected by Congress via HIPAA! So a sweet smile and a dodge may always be Option #1.
BTW, the lip gloss looks GREAT.
Yes, the lipgloss looks fabulous! 🙂
My endometriosis came out of remission a few months ago, and I knew that my parents and sister-in-law would give me an earful if I didn’t put some parameters in place, so I communicated to them that I am working with a fabulous holistic ob/gyn and we use a combination of traditional and alternative treatments, and I am going to stick with what i am using. When you have a disease that can affect your fertility, everyone seems to think they have a right to talk about it. Even if I end up being infertile, the hubby and I are against IVF and adoption for personal/ethical reasons. So we have a rule that the subject of my fertility is completely off-limits. I wrote that on my Caring Bridge blog. And if someone brings it up, we remind them it’s off-limits and change the subject.
I get my infusions for my primary immune deficiency disease every Wednesday so I always enjoy your videos.
A friend from our gym has a DVD that will cure my primary immune deficiency disease and other chronic illnesses if only I BELIEVE. He says that all disease comes from the brain & can be controlled by the brain. To explain a little truth I countered with the fact that many babies are born with illnesses or defects and I don’t think these babies were more negative than other babies. Also brought up cases where parents refuse medical treatment based on religious faith & the children suffer or die for it. I was just told I am a negative thinker by what was now several gym peeps. What I think is underlying this besides total ignorance is that people want to believe that bad things like illness CAN be controlled, that life can be controlled. It is better for them to think that sick people must have done or thought something wrong then to accept the randomness of things.. some people are born healthier than others. Some are also born to have higher IQ’s- LOL!
I have made it my mission in life to raise awareness of these diseases, and in putting myself out there and trying to educate people I am going to hit some walls and not be able to reach everyone. That is something I just have to deal with.
Another annoying comment I get is how lucky I am that my husband sticks around with all my chronic conditions. Those of us with chronic illness have a lot to offer and my husband is lucky to have me in his life too. The strongest people I know live in some of the weakest bodies. Health & longevity are wonderful blessings to have but they are not the only way to have a life that counts and you can’t determine the value of a person by his or her health.
“Another annoying comment I get is how lucky I am that my husband sticks around with all my chronic conditions. Those of us with chronic illness have a lot to offer and my husband is lucky to have me in his life too. The strongest people I know live in some of the weakest bodies. Health & longevity are wonderful blessings to have but they are not the only way to have a life that counts and you can’t determine the value of a person by his or her health.”
Thank you, Joanna! Well stated!
Indeed!!
“**The strongest people I know live in some of the weakest bodies.** Health & longevity are wonderful blessings to have but they are not the only way to have a life that counts and you can’t determine the value of a person by his or her health.”
WOW, that really hit me right in the feels! That’s a great perspective, and beautifully phrased. I hope you don’t mind if I quote you at some point on social media or my blog somewhere?
I would be honored! 🙂
I love love love that too. Are you on Twitter? I’d love to tweet that and credit you for it.
Yes- I am on twitter @JoannaTierno
Oye this is such a timely response. So I have some pretty serious GI problems that have required me to get a feeding tube and be hospitalized a few times. Yesterday I was advised (for the second time) through a colleague of my mother that if I went on an all breast milk diet I would be cured, since she knows of a guy who did that (for a completely different GI issue, mind you) and was cured. I’ve also probably spent, all together, several hours listening to people tell me what I need to do to feel better.
So here are my two questions:
1. What do you do when someone keeps following up with you – have you tried it yet? Have you looked into it yet? I really think you need to try this…
2. What do you do when people say straight up, or in a more delicate and roundabout, but still judgy way, “well I just think that if IIII was feeling so sick then I would try anything…”
🙁 So sorry you’re having GI problems! If I were in either of those situations it would depend on my relationship with the person. If I had someone “following up” all the time and it was someone I had to see on a regular basis, I’d tell them (politely but firmly) that I’ve got it covered and change the subject. I know from experience that it’s easier said than done, especially if you’re not used to setting boundaries with people, but it’s so worth it in the long run!
Catherine, I’m so sorry to hear you are having such a trying time with GI problems. That’s enough to deal with, let alone people pestering you, however well-meaning or intentioned.
In answer to your questions:
1. A possible response might be: “Thanks for your ongoing concern. My team and I are monitoring every aspect of my condition, and we are making any adjustments if and when it might be appropriate for me.”
2. A possible response to this one might be: “The ‘one size fits all’ approach does not work in many situations, health issues included. Everyone’s body is different and responds differently to any given intervention, and some things may or may not be appropriate for any one person. As individuals, people with illnesses have to work with their bodies and what their body can or cannot tolerate.”
I hope that might be of help… Personally, one of the things that riles me is the assumption that a ‘one size fits all’ approach is going to work, whether it’s anyone in a professional capacity (they should know better) or a well-meaning, yet uninformed person.
Indeed, when you have a chronic illness, suddenly everyone is qualified to give you medical advice. It amazes me how people (who are by no means perfect) are so insistent that their advice/therapy /remedies are beyond reproach. Even if I’ve already tried them & yep turns out I still have fibro/cfs/ chronic migraines/ ibs/ anxiety/ depression. Guess I just wasn’t trying hard enough or simply not doing “it” right.
Exercise more. Are you serious?! Take this vitamin. But I already take that one. Eat this. Every day? Get a massage. But I’m sending my kid to massage therapy school so I can get them for free… Try harder. Gee, that never occurred to me.
It does come from a place of love or caring, but it also comes from a place of superiority & self righteousness. I always feel that if they are trying to cure my problems, then I too should have a go at their obvious behavioral issues. So you got your medical degree where? Funny that since you work at RiteAid. You object on principal to my prescriptions? Oh, well since you make minimum wage to count pills into a bottle, taking your moral advice is like asking a monkey about which lice medication is best since monkeys have obviously chosen the “lice are yummy method”.
It’s hard to be gracious and poised when every fiber of my being is in screaming pain & all I want to do is lie down & sleep. But unlike my illnesses, this may actually be something that I can change. So challenge accepted.
There is a lady who doesn’t “believe” in medicine and always focuses on one of my diagnosis. Not all of them, just ONE. She insists on making me food to “treat” that illness. The only problem is, everything she gives me is wrong for that illness- too much fat and oils, sugars and etc. It is extremely off-putting. Now I will g watch your video….. lol
Now that I have watched your video, I have a better idea how ot plan for those unwanted conversations and food provisions that come our way! Thank you so much for all your help in providing us with good resources to be as AWAP as possible!!!!
I treat these a little like how one would treat a well meaning person trying to sell me their religion. Yes you have a belief, it is real to you, that is grand. I do not share your belief so please respect my belief (or lack there of) as I respect your right to believe what you do. Then change the subject.
I can be pretty blunt with people who really insist on ‘helping’, just as you would with a door knocker who just will not take no for an answer.
As for those who say, you are looking better.. Thanks! this new foundation is really doing it for me (or any other plausible bit of make-up I might have on)
Jenni, thank you so much for answering my email–and I love that you included an actual “formula” to deal with unsolicited advice. I will certainly implement your strategy the next time it happens! I tend to get defensive when faced with people who feel it is their duty to explain my illness to me–and yes, some ARE judgemental or disbelieving. So hopefully now I can keep a cool head next time someone suggests I get traction or tells me about the healing power of kale.
Gotta love the Rite-Aid medical degree comment– they offer them at Walgreens too evidently!
We all apparently know the same people! Hilarious. Either that or this super busy-body family is procreating like crazy all over America. No but seriously…
I have this lovely & quite young sister in law, who once every 6 months, sends me an article that explains why, if I just quit using this or that product, my fibro & cfs will just go away. It’s funny & sad all at the same time. For instance, months after I began vetting my food in earnest, she sends the article explaining how Aspertaine is ruining my life. Not that I ever used products with this ingredient, I’m a sugar girl for real, & now I only enjoy that sugar in a whole, unrefined, unprocessed way. But I know she just meant to be helpful.
Do I feel bad that I merely scanned the article & felt some real bitterness at the FMS patient who obstensibily got better at the end? No. It was unconfirmed propaganda. And not applicable to me.
So I waited an hour, & replied that she was sweet to think of me & how I wish that article contained something that would help me. I even went on to talk about how I was experimenting with my diet.
I encouraged her to keep searching for the cure tho.
Get out there & make a difference little sis in law!
She continues to send material that promises a cure. I don’t really mind. At least she’s not all up in my grill about it.
Now if I could only get her to understand that me getting sick was truly not Obama’s fault…..
Just when I think I have heard it all… I hear something new. Something awful. Sometimes all I can do is start crying and wheel myself away.
“If you have enough faith, trust in God… then he would have healed you.”
“How could a truly loving God leave you so helpless?”
As a Chaplain those kinds of comments hurt. Hurt as bad spiritually as they do emotionally.
Then there is just the plain old ignorant ones… They aren’t meant to spiritually inflict pain but they still suck… Like “You are too young to be THAT sick.” (Like I’m lying and WANT merely an existence?)
Before my illness really began I was rock climbing, hiking, biking, motorcycling, camping, kayaking, a busy and active mom of four little girls. We’ve moved and traveled from Alaska to Texas and Wisconsin to California. I’ve been in 48 of our 50 states. Mission trips during the year following hurricane Katrina to Mississippi and Louisiana. Mission trips to Mexico and some of our nations most impoverished Native American lands.
DO YOU THINK I WOULD CHOOSE THIS FOR MYSELF? Nearly completely bedridden and when I have the strength to use my wheelchair I do.
Yes, it’s irritating. I just simply never know what to say when an idiot is staring me in the face.
andi, i’m so with you. people can be such asshats. we just have to keep practicing putting up boundaries and reminding ourselves that they mean well. even if their actions are asshat-ish. 😉 but it’s hard! that element of surprise sucks. keep practicing – and know you’ve always got this community which TOTALLY understands and would never say such things. hugs!