Today’s AWAP Wednesday* video answers a question from a fellow ChronicBabe. She’s wondering how to get more comfortable with her sexuality so she can have confidence in dating… but she feels somewhat limited by her inability to have what is considered “sex” in popular culture.
I’ve got news for her (and you): There is no “normal” sex. There is no standard way to do it. Once we stop measuring ourselves against this narrow standard, the experience gets a whole lot easier.
Here’s my advice to her and any other women with chronic illness who want to explore their sexuality with confidence:
Now it’s your turn:
Now it’s your turn: How have you handled the challenge of exploring your sexuality after chronic illness or disability shows up? How do you research your options? How do you handle initial conversations on dates? I want to know! Join the conversation in the comments below.
Want to watch more videos like this? Check out our AWAP Wednesday video playlist, which has almost six hours of guidance, advice, and bloopers.
Is there a question I can answer for YOU? Add it to the comments below, or shoot me an email.
Until we meet again: Be AWAP! Smooches! *AWAP = As Well As Possible
A (rough) transcript:
Q: I wonder if you could address sex/sexuality and chronic illness. Obviously everyone is effected differently by their illness. I can’t have what is generally considered “sex” by our culture, but I can enjoy some sexual pleasure with another patient, imaginative person or by myself. Still I find myself feeling insecure and overwhelmed when I think of embarking on a new relationship or even furthering my own exploration of my sexuality.
A: Great question. You’re a brave babe for asking it, too, because most people are too afraid to talk about sex. But not me!
Because we’re not talking face-to-face, I’m not sure how you define “what is generally considered ‘sex’ by our culture.” I’m going to assume you’re talking about consensual, missionary, penetration-style sex between a man and a woman.
Don’t worry, you’re normal
So let’s shatter the myth right now that you’re not “normal” if that’s not your scene. Plenty of people — and when I say people, I mean women and men, straight, gay, bisexual or transgendered individuals because this conversation is all-inclusive — plenty of people never have what our culture narrowly defines as “sex,” because it doesn’t work for them. That might be because they have limitations from disability or illness, or they just may not be into that kind of thing.
Get to know yourself sexually
The best way for you to build confidence, in my book, is to get to know yourself. The more you try new things — new positions, toys, locations, times of day — the more you’ll understand what turns you on and what gets you off. When you’re confident about that, dating — and starting new sexual relationships with people — gets a whole lot easier. You’re better able to tell your partner what you want and need, and why.
Keep an open mind
This kind of self-awareness also helps you keep an open mind about potential partners. Sex is a huge spectrum; there is every kind of sex act under the sun, that you can perform by yourself or with a partner (or partners). And when you’re out in the dating scene, you never know who you’re going to meet… so try not to let fear get in the way.
You may meet someone who’s great on paper, but who isn’t compatible with you sexually. Or the reverse could happen.
I encourage you to view these experiences NOT through the lens of having disability or chronic illness, but through the lens of simply being a human being. I takes a lot of the pressure off.
Educate yourself
Finally, I encourage you to check out podcasts like Savage Love, which is a super-inclusive, educational and fun listen and there are hundreds of episodes to peruse.
Read books like Our Bodies, Ourselves, and The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex.
If you Google “dating websites chronic illness” or “dating websites disability” a ton of options pop up, so if you want to skip ahead a few moves, they might be an option for you.
Read, read read about your particular illness or disability and its impact on sexual activities.
Talk with your doctor about how your meds might affect your libido and your ability to orgasm. Become an expert on your own sexuality.
How about you?
You’ve got your marching orders, babe. I hope you get out there and get it on.
Now it’s your turn: How have you handled the challenge of exploring your sexuality after chronic illness or disability shows up? How do you research your options? How do you handle initial conversations on dates? I want to know! Join the conversation in the comments below.
Awesome! For podcasts, I’d also recommend “Speaking of Sex” by the Pleasure Mechanics, a duo of sex educators in upstate NY. Very open, un-squeamish info, geared to a range of sexualities and tastes.
Well done
Best regards,Fred
Thank you. That was my question! I love listening to you. Thanks for the advice.
I did mean that I can’t have sex involving penis/vagina penetration. I’ve heard it called PIV sex. I have pelvic pain along with Fibromyalgia.
I recently found a book called “Wild Feminine” that addresses the topic of healing the pelvis. I haven’t read too much yet, but I already feel more empowered.
I will definitely look at other resources and will be scoping out the comments. I hope this helps others too, because I know that I am not alone and I am ready to let go of the insecurity and embrace the journey!
Hey chica, I would DEFINITELY recommend talking to your OBGYN/womens health doc about your pain experiences. I found my doc had some GREAT advice on products and positions to help with pain based on real anatomical nerve-system body part advice! I found that knowing more about what precisely was causing my pain (what nerves, what part of the body, what muscle) gave me some guidelines as to how to navigate my situation and avoid those body bits if I needed to. Also, no two people are the same, so new partner meant new set of conversations! And if you don’t have a lady-parts doc you love, or who thinks its part of their job to talk to you about these things, find one. they exist and are awesome.
Thank you. 🙂 I live in a semi-remote place (island) and do not have anyone that can help me here unfortunately. I am currently looking into trying to see someone on the mainland of my state.
Due to pelvic floor dysfunction/vestibulodynia, penetration of any kind (even Gyno exams) is extremely painful for me. Though my other health issues caused me to be unable to continue seeing my pelvic floor therapist, a specialized PT like that can sometimes help with strategies or treatments.
She suggested a really informative book on all causes of pelvic pain called Healing Painful Sex. That’s where I really learned the most about what was going on in my case and learned some stuff to help a little, like use of lidocaine ointment before Gyno exams/ultrasounds, for ex. Doesn’t take all the pain away, but can reduce by 50% maybe? And makes it more tolerable to push thru at least.
Best of luck to you!
Thank you. I’ll look into the book. I’ve tried lidocaine, though not consistently for daily discomfort, but its been a number of years. I may look into trying it again.
Oh the pain problem. This is very close to home. Not just pelvic, but all us IBDers with abdominal pain.
See, the cool thing is, if somebody’s into you, their not just into your parts. They’re into the whole you. And they’ll be sooo willing to play.
Best wishes for good lovin’!
Thanks for your comment. I recently ended a long term relationship. Although I was the one who ended it, I have found that the absence of the relationship and some comments that my former partner made after I ended it have brought up a lot of insecurity for me. In some ways I feel like this insecurity may be a catalyst to new ways of thinking and loving and hopefully someday I will meet someone that sees beyond my “limitations”.
I have painful sex and on top of that I cannot have an orgasm. I have fibro, depression, anxiety, prolapse valve, polycystic kidneys and a couple of disks that are ruptured. I had surgery a year and half or so ago for prolapsed uterus and another thing and ever since I have not been able to orgasm. I have been in a marriage for 37 years and my husband is very patient and willing to try anything. But for some reason (I take antidepressants and pain medicine too) I cannot get over the hill – so to speak. I need to talk more to my doctor – who is wonderful – but I have a long distance relationship with her since we moved from Seattle to California so it’s difficult. So, it is true that people can have sex and sexual issues and you’d never know – they just live with it. And what a bummer because sex is fun. I’ll keep trying.
I wish you the best. I am glad you have a supportive partner. I hope you can work with your doctor or find one closer to your new home that is just as wonderful.
I worried about this, but wasn’t really going on any dates. While in the midst of my multiple myeloma treatment I met a man who is also in the midst of medical mayhem. We hit it off and have been together for six months so far. It’s refreshing to have someone who is concerned about my comfort and well being (in addition to myeloma I have fibro and sjogren’s). The problem is that I am no longer sexy. I don’t feel or look like I used to. That’s my “sexual shame,” so to speak. With his support I’m sure I’ll find my place again.
Until I saw this post I don’t think I would have ever mentioned this to anyone else. Thanks for posts and information like this.