Relationships

Several years ago, when I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis in both hips, I read everything I could find about coping with chronic illness. I was amazed at how often I'd stumble on a paragraph that advised patients to "look for the gift in your pain."

Pain is a gift? Thanks, but no thanks, I'd mutter to myself. I had just turned 44 and hadn't planned on slowing down so soon. I still had miles to go with my journalism career and a family that included a very active teenager. If pain was my gift, well, where was the return policy?

Posted: 1/12/2008 in Relationships  |  Also posted in: Coping

The old adage is true: There is nothing permanent except change. That saying applies to the inevitable shifts in our relationships with others. One of the things that seems desperately unfair to those of us who live with a chronic illness and ongoing symptoms is the impact it can have on friendships or romantic relationships. Many people have difficulty not only maintaining established friendships, but making new friends because their illness keeps them from being continually active and socially involved. Author Carol Sveilich offers advice on maintaining good personal and professional relationships even in the face of ongoing illness or pain.

Posted: 12/29/2007 in Relationships  |  Also posted in: Coping

In our last Goodie Bag, we asked Babes: Have you been surprised by love? Many women with chronic illness or disabilities think they're not going to find love - or even have some great sex - because of their health limitations. Bogus! Here are just two examples of responses we received. Hopefully, they'll inspire you to open your mind to the possibilities.

Posted: 8/13/2007 in Relationships  |  Also posted in: Inspiration

"How does pain affect your independence? Do you push yourself too hard? Do you hide the fact that you're in pain? Is it hard to ask for help?"

I was invited to address these questions, along with several other people who blog about pain, by How To Cope With Pain. To see all the other posts, go to the How To Cope With Pain blog.

Posted: 7/3/2007 in Relationships

Sometimes the oddest little thing can make us happy. This is a short story about strange noises and how they brought me and my hubbie Steve closer.

Posted: 4/15/2007 in Relationships

Natural medicine is experiencing a renaissance in North America. We know that eating the right foods and taking the right supplements can help us to avoid or minimize some of our most common ailments. Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to separate fads and "miracle cures" from time-honored remedies. So who do we turn to? One option is to find a health-care professional who is trained in the art and science of natural medicine: a naturopathic doctor (ND).

Posted: 1/17/2007 in Relationships

You wouldn't hire someone to work for you based solely on a recommendation, would you? Hopefully, you'd interview the candidate with your expectations and needs in mind. So, why isn't this true for an even more important decision – hiring your health care team?

Posted: 12/23/2006 in Relationships

Deep down, I just wanted to say "Suck it up!" to the woman in the chair next to me at the doctor's office who complained of pollen allergies, to the acquaintance at work who went on and on about how stressful her life was, or to the person who treated a mild case of strep throat as the end of the world. But to say such things would make me my own worst nightmare, a martyr for my illnesses. That kind of response would erect a wall between anyone who couldn't compete with my illnesses and myself. It would also mean I was acting with the very same lack of empathy I find so frustrating in other people.

Posted: 8/21/2006 in Relationships

Babe Laurie shows us how she overcame guilt and re-learned how to have a social life she could love: I was on the phone with my best friend a few months ago when she said something that really hit me: "I shouldn't feel guilty for the things I can't control, only the things I can." It sounded so simple, so logical. And of course it was much easier said than done.

Posted: 4/21/2006 in Relationships  |  Also posted in: Coping

When I was 24, I met my future husband John and my ideal doctor within a few months of each other. As anyone with chronic illness understands, I consider the latter just as much a feat as the former. Turns out, the world of dating and the world of doctors have a lot more in common than I’d considered. After all, who else has such access to the most intimate physical details of our lives?

Posted: 2/25/2006 in Relationships

Say, I don't suppose there might be some way I could get a ride from you? I mean, if it's not too out of your way or anything, feel free to say no..." I hear my voice rise an octave, and there is something unflatteringly girlish about it. Despite my attempt to sound casual, I know I sound needy.

Posted: 8/23/2005 in Relationships  |  Also posted in: Coping

For each of us, the decision regarding whether to tell our whole story -- or certain parts of it -- is one we make every day. For this ChronicBabe, a move to a new city meant learning all over again how to introduce herself. Like many women, her technique evolved over time, and yours will too. Here's one perspective on small-talk disclosure.

Posted: 7/25/2005 in Relationships

Someone I'm very close to (let's call her Betty) recently said some things that really hurt me to the core, particularly regarding how I handle my Chronic. After many, many years of putting up with Betty's not-so-subtle digs, I decided that it's time for some distance. It's a tough decision, but one I had to make in order to take good care of myself.

Posted: 7/21/2005 in Relationships  |  Also posted in: Venting

Like J. Lo, I couldn't function without a fleet of people keeping me fabulous, aka Team Jenni. These are the folks in my life who help me be my best. When I'm feeling great, when I'm feeling crap, and everything in between, I've got Team Jenni.

Posted: 6/15/2005 in Relationships  |  Also posted in: Inspiration

Even though I've been thinking about writing this post for a few weeks now, I can't keep the blush from creeping up my face. But I'm a twenty something, engaged woman, for crying out loud. There is a sexual element to my relationship. There is also a diabetes element to my sex. Here's how I handle my "equipment" in my relationship.

Posted: 10/31/2007 in Chronically Sexy  |  Also posted in: Relationships

I've written about this before. There's a very simple question people should ask before they touch you in any way: "May I touch you?" It's that easy. In my case, the answer usually is no. (Of course, we make allowances for family and love interests and such.) Unfortunately, some people just don't get it. And for those of us who seem to have a "please, go ahead and grope me awkwardly" sign on our backs, I'm offering another reminder of how to respond when unwanted touch happens.

Posted: 2/6/2007 in Venting  |  Also posted in: Relationships

The canceled plans, dirty kitchens and general grumpiness that go along with having headaches, whether episodic or chronic, puts strain on even the best of relationships. With all my experience, you'd think I'd have some suggestions for dealing with this, but my brilliant strategy is to feel guilty. Not too productive, I know. But my friends and family accept me for what I can give now - which may be different than I gave three years ago or will give two months from now. That's the beauty of love.

Posted: 1/26/2007 in Family  |  Also posted in: Relationships

For a brief time, I completely forgot that as a patient, I have the right to say "No."

Posted: 10/29/2006 in Coping  |  Also posted in: Relationships

When we wrote recently about talking to naysayers, we had no idea how strongly it would impact our readers. We were flooded with e-mails! Clearly, learning how to respond to negative people is a hot issue for ChronicBabes. We've gathered a collection of responses, to give you some ideas to use in your own life. You may not agree with everyone's perspective but they are worth considering.

Posted: 7/25/2006 in Venting  |  Also posted in: Relationships

What happens when you encounter a naysayer, someone who doubts the validity of who you are or what you do - or even asks why you can't just "fix" your illness and "get on with your life"? Do you take their opinions personally and argue your point, or do you give them up as a lost cause? Editrix Jenni Prokopy encountered a serious naysayer this weekend and decided she needs a new plan for dealing with negative folks.

Posted: 7/5/2006 in Venting  |  Also posted in: Relationships

Babe Isobel thought her new medication would be treating a problem. She had no idea it would also create a new one. Here's the story of what happened, and what she learned about medications and sexuality.

Posted: 5/2/2006 in Chronically Sexy  |  Also posted in: Relationships

Babe Iris is wired with a Holter monitor - a portable electrocardiogram (ECG) machine - and to get completely accurate results, the 24-hour test should include, shall we say, exercise. It's time to call the boyfriend and see just how nimble he can be. What happens when intimacy includes wires and cables and batteries, oh my? Iris gives us the inside scoop.

Posted: 4/18/2006 in Chronically Sexy  |  Also posted in: Relationships, Inspiration

Yup. He said, in regard to my pain, "get over it." Let's call this person Fred. Fred has never been all that understanding of my chronic pain issues. Oh, it's not that he can't relate -- he has chronic issues of his own, plenty. He just takes a wildly divergent approach to managing them. Fred's always tried his best to offer sage advice, and I know that he believes he's comforting me when he says certain things. But so often, he misses the mark. I've tried for years to make him understand how it makes me feel, tried to explain my situation to him in a way that would provide a new perspective. I want Fred to get it. I want him to know that I'm no wimp, that I'm not lazy -- that I am doing everything I can do to take care of myself in a healthy, balanced way. All my other pals seem to get it, but not Fred.

Posted: 2/27/2006 in Venting  |  Also posted in: Relationships

It's that time again: The Holiday Season, when you're supposed to feel joyous, thankful and happy to celebrate with family and friends. It's a lovely idea. But people who work and live with chronic illness more often than not approach this time with mixed feelings, if not dread. Here are some tips for thriving this holiday season.

Posted: 12/6/2005 in Coping  |  Also posted in: Relationships

The answer today is: no, you may not. But unfortunately, you probably won't bother asking anyway. Sounds like a bad date, right? Wrong. This is a regular occurence for me. People touch me. People I don't know at all, and people I've known forever. In public places, in private gatherings. They just feel the need to touch me without provocation. If they would just ask that simple question, so many negative experiences could be averted.

Posted: 11/23/2005 in Venting  |  Also posted in: Relationships

The Babe gives advice on supporting a friend with MS.

Posted: 6/24/2005 in Ask the Babe  |  Also posted in: Relationships

Meet my husband, Steve. Would you like to know what Steve loves to say to me when I'm complaining about what ails me? WAAAAANNHHH.

Posted: 6/8/2005 in Coping  |  Also posted in: Relationships