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Are the qualities of a ChronicMom and of a ChronicBABE mutually exclusive? (I think not!)

by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix

A blogger pal at Myalgia Mommies wrote yesterday about being Hurricane Sandy and being a mom with chronic illness. There are lots of things I like about her post, Weathering the Storm, but one thing she mentioned kind of stung:

"I love ChronicBabe, but she gets massages and makes martinis, I have kids and chaperone dances, drive all over, plan lessons, play dates, sleepovers, etc. Mom stuff and cool no kids stuff is very different."

Hmm. Well, I have to say, I get a massage about once a year. And yes, I make the occasional cocktail.

But are those things mutually exclusive? Can't you be a mom and also do at least the bare minimum of pampering?

And do ChronicMoms look at my site and jealously wish they could have more time for themselves?

Do folks think I'm just galavanting around the Chicago like Carrie in "Sex & the City," with barely a care in the world?

Because that is SO not the case.

Being a mom shouldn't mean you can't take good care of yourself.

I know moms with AND without chronic illness, and they make time to care for themselves. If they can't afford a manicurist, they do their own nails (like I do). If they can't afford regular massages, they find a friend or enlist their spouse or partner to help them find ways to relax (like I do). They trade babysitting times with other mom friends so they can get out and do their own thing. They enlist ME to babysit THEIR kids so they can get out and do their own thing. (Which I'm happy to do as often as I can, considering my own health limitations.)

We don't need this divide between moms and not-moms.

The perspectives shared at Myalgia Mommies and other parenting blogs are completely valid. And so are mine and those of women who don't have kids. It's really painful sometimes to see the divide between those with kids and those without kids; I read a lot of pieces where moms talk about their lives balancing chronic illness and raising a family as though I could never understand their challenges.

And the thing is: I can't know exactly what their lives are like.

But I will say this: I am very present in the lives of my nieces, nephews, and friends' kids. I have been at both of my best friend's births, and seen the pain and struggle she faced as a pregnant woman and now lives daily as a mom. I've spoken with dozens of moms with chronic illness over the years. I've spent weeks living in households with people who have kids, and seen what they go through each day. I know it's a massive sacrifice of time and energy to have kids and raise them.

I also know it's an enormous gift. It's something I will never have, and there are many, many times I envy them that ability. I can't tell you how many tears I have shed through the years about the fact that I don't have my own children. I believe that those with kids can't understand some of the feelings and experiences that I have.

But here's the unifying thing:

I spend as much time as I can with the kids in my life. Many, many days I have spent using up all my precious energy to help care for those kids, to make sure those kids can take for granted that they have another reliable, awesome adult in their lives. To make sure they want for nothing.

So please hear me when I say: I do my best to understand. I do a hell of a lot more than many of my friends who don't have kids. And I want every ChronicMom I know to read this and know that as much as is humanly possible, I understand how hard it is for you.

But please understand that it's hard for me, too. If I could have afforded to give up my career and have kids instead (which is pretty much how it would have to be, for me to have enough energy to be a mom), I know I would have. I have enormous respect for parents and I have enormous love for the kids in my life. They bring me so much joy. And sometimes I feel pain, because I wish I could have had my own.

And also: It's not a competition.

You and me? We're the same.

Moms and not-moms: We're the same. We're women. We're humans. We have chronic illness. We deal with it the best we can.

Why do we have to have this feeling of competition? That one thing is cool and the other is not? That one group of people is making a sacrifice while one is not? I hate that divide. I find it so unnecessary. And so frustrating.

We need to be unified. We need to support each other. We need to do our best to banish jealousy and competition and irritation, and do our best to understand each other. Respect each other. And support each other.

I've seen it. I've lived it. I know that we are the same. I know that there are days that even without kids, I can't muster enough energy to wash my hair, let alone style it. And I know there are days I've hung out with my chronically ill mom friends and been amazed at their gorgeous manicures.

So let's break down this divide between those with kids and those without. I'm not saying there isn't room for a variety of perspectives—there definitely is! I just hope we can aim for more mutual understanding and support, and less black-and-white comparisons.

OK? Because I love all y'all, and your kids. And I know you love me. Right? OK.

With love and respect, XO - Jenni

Posted: 10/31/2012 in Family

What are all the cool kids wearing? ChronicBabe t-shirts and tank tops, of course! Buy yours today in our CafePress shop.

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