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I can't do this without you. (a.k.a. Big Pain Night)
by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix
Can we get real for a minute? Really, seriously, real?
Sometimes the pain is so bad I almost can't stand it. So bad I feel like every bone is aching and my skin wants to leap off my body from the pressure.
Sometimes the pain is throbbing, slow and low, there at every turn and shift.
Sometimes the pain is in every part of me, my face, my jaw, my hairline, my ankles, my toes, the soles of my feet.
Sometimes I can't believe how much it hurts and how impossible it seems that I could endure this over and over.
Tonight is one of those nights.
One of those big bad pain nights. One of those cry alone on the couch nights. One of those I-guess-I'll-go-to-bed-a-couple-hours-early-even-though-I-suspect-I'll-get-no-sleep nights. One of those Why Me? nights.
I know so many of you, thousands and thousands of you, look to me for advice, for support, for words of wisdom, for a laugh in the face of all of this.
The reality is, I can be all that, give you all that, and still have pain days like this, too.
And that's what helps me keep it together.
Because if I didn't have a reason for this pain, if there wasn't some greater good to come out of it? I think I'd have given up a long time ago. I think I would've just gone a little bit crazy.
I can't do this without you.
If ever you doubt me, doubt my sincerity, doubt my level of understanding, bookmark this page. Come back to it. Let it remind you that I'm in your shoes every day.
Let it remind you that you're my inspiration. That you keep me going on days like this. That we are all in this together. That I understand you, at the deepest level.
Because this is fucking hard.
Whether pain's your thing, or something else, you know what I'm talking about. You may have the most kick-ass support team in the world, but they still can't always make it all better. Some of this, you have to do all on your own.
It's OK. You're not truly on your own. We have each other. You have me.
And tonight, I have you.
Thanks for keeping me sane during this big pain night. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Thanks for being part of ChronicBabe, for writing to me, tweeting, commenting on photos. Thanks for being part of my community. Thanks for always reminding me that I'm not alone.
I couldn't do this without you. Not in a million years.
Sending all of you love and peace and hugs and all that good stuff.
XO, Jenni
Posted: 8/29/2012 in Coping
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