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Can I be honest with you? I wish you were magical. I wish you could make the pain go away.
Can I be completely honest with you? I can? Good.
I wish you could make my pain go away.
It's nights like this when I don't want to work at it. I don't want to do my stretches, don't want to follow my medication schedule. I don't want to eat a healthy diet or meditate. Don't want to journal. Don't wanna to call someone to talk. Don't wanna.
I just want you to hold me, to pull me incredibly close. I want to feel your body next to mine. Feel your heat, your slow and steady breath, your heartbeat. I want you to absorb all the pain and make it disappear. I don't want to talk about it, don't want to have to describe it to you. I just want you to know exactly where it is, and exactly how to make it all go away so I don't have to think about it, or do anything about it. I want to wake up in the morning feeling perfect.
There, I said it.
I wrote a couple weeks ago about big change happening here at ChronicBabe HQ. Some of that change involves being more honest about my feelings, even if that means flying in the face of everything I've known, everything I've said before.
Right now, it's not really about abandoning what I know works: my treatment regimen. I know it works. It really does. Mostly.
But just for tonight, just for now, just in this moment, I wish for something different. I wish you could hold me and make it all go away.
Thanks for listening.
Posted: 8/18/2010 in Venting | Also posted in: Relationships
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