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It's time for some big change at ChronicBabe HQ
by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix
I had a major revelation today, poolside, sun on my back, my headphones playing a favorite tune:
I have lived much of my life according to someone else's rules. And I'm sick to death of living like that.
Now, I don't blame anyone else for this. There are so many people in my life who have influenced my behavior, and sure, those folks play some role in the person I am today. But lying by the pool, I realized just how different I want my life to look. And no one else but me is responsible for making that change.
Realizing that I want to change my life so hugely is overwhelming. I mean, really, no one should ever cry poolside. It's just not cute. But I did. Because I don't care what other people think of me.
And that's the thing: I've spent so much energy caring what other people think of me. Choosing career paths because someone thought I should. Spending my free time in ways that made sense to someone else. Looking a certain way, being friends with certain people—all because another person told me it made sense. And I did it. It's not that I didn't use my own mind at all, but I let the beliefs of other people influence my decisions.
It's not that hard to draw the line from dissatisfaction to unhealthiness. (See?! I'm making up my own words now because I can, darn it! I'm changing the vocabulary.) I'm sure that not honoring my deepest needs and beliefs has kept me from feeling as healthy as I can, especially when evidence proves a strong connection between mind and body.
If you're a longtime reader of ChronicBabe.com, you know my style; you know I aim to be independent without being isolated, that I try to follow my passion while not being afraid to ask for help. I honestly try to practice what I preach.
But in a moment of deep relaxation today, my mind offered up the idea that there's more for me. I have more choices, more options than I ever dreamed possible. That in some ways, I've lived within the parameters set by other people, and that I can step outside those limitations and be the very different sort of person I want to be.
I'm going to do it. I'm making a pledge to myself right now, and you're my witness: I'm making a big change.
Aspects of my life have been bad. I'm not going to bore you with the details, but suffice to say I've craved more. I have known deep inside that I didn't have everything I wanted, and that it impacted me negatively, but I was afraid to stand up and fight for what I wanted. I thought I would look silly, or that people would judge me, or even desert me.
But I'm not afraid of any of that now. I know I can be strong in the face of change. I've got my support team at my side, and I've got decades of experience to draw from. And, you know, the internet.
I can't explain why today is different from every other day that has passed. I can't tell you why I had this revelation in a bikini, or why it happened today and not six months or six years ago. I can only tell you that it's happening, and I'm going to share some of this journey with you—because I KNOW there are some of you who feel the same way. Maybe it will help. Maybe you'll have some advice to share. In the past, this project has sustained me through intense difficulties—and I know it can again.
So keep your eyes peeled for more. I'll be writing about some specific experiences I've had that point me in this new direction. And I'll be drawing on your advice and support for more ideas. Any change that happens with ChronicBabe.com will be awesome and positive, I'll tell you that much!
XO your humble Editrix, Jenni
Posted: 7/25/2010 in Venting | Also posted in: Inspiration
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