Good boundaries make good friends (or: suit of armor vs, mesh tank top)

by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix

I've never been all that great at setting boundaries. Until recently, that is—I've spent some time over the past couple years learning what boundaries are and how to use them effectively. And my recent wrist injury offered some reminders that boundaries are flexible and ever-changing. So why are boundaries important for ChronicBabes, you ask?

What are boundaries?

The basic idea of boundaries is this: You are a unique self, and you need to care for and protect yourself, not just physically but also emotionally. Good boundaries are behaviors that keep you safe and self-contained, but allow an influx of healthy stuff.

(A few years ago I was working through some rough stuff and found Boundaries - Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries by Anne Katherine. It's a great primer for those of us who have trouble protecting ourselves from unwanted or unhealthy influences.)

The thing about building good boundaries is that you'll need to put yourself first on your priority list, a concept with which we ChronicBabes sometimes struggle.

Put myself first? Are you crazy?

For most of my life I was enmeshed with, well, just about everyone. If a friend was going through a bad breakup, I was right alongside her, crying just as hard. If a family member had an issue to deal with, then I felt like it was my issue, too. I spent a ton of time worrying about other people's business and it was exhausting...and somewhere along the line I lost sight of what was important to ME.

Under this construct, when it came time to make decisions about my health, so many more people had to be considered in addition to myself. For example, if I had a flare-up and felt like I couldn't handle attending a party, I would waver forever, feeling guilty about disappointing the hostess or my husband. Sometimes the guilt would overwhelm me and I would go anyway, exhausting myself and prolonging my flare-up. Looking back now, I see that was ridiculous; I made myself sicker for the sake of others.

Being intertwined with people felt natural for me, so the idea of boundaries was a little scary at first. I realized I was holding everyone in my life way too close to me. It seemed like I was tightly connected to everyone; I felt their feelings, I shared their hardships, I felt responsible for them in so many ways. Connection and love were what I craved, but often what I created instead was guilt and misplaced responsibility.

The big change I needed to make was to extract myself and hold myself separate, and that was the scariest. The idea of putting my needs first and facing challenges solo was HUGE. But I soon learned that good boundaries don't mean you're alone.

Step one: Caller I.D.

At first, I explored some really basic rules for forming good boundaries. I started by limiting contact with people who were negative. That meant using my caller I.D. to screen calls and then returning messages (or not) at MY convenience. I also set my email client to automatically file messages from specific people so I wouldn't even see them unless I chose to.

Those two simple steps made an enormous difference, right away. Limiting negative voices and messages was very freeing. After a couple weeks I realized how much energy I had wasted communicating with folks who made me feel like crap, and I was sold.

The next step was to inventory my own needs, to take a close look at what was important and vital for me...and then try to keep those ideals at the top of my priority list. This step was a lot tougher because I was so accustomed to thinking about others all the time. Writing down my goals helped; keeping that list in my pocket at all times helped even more. That way, when I got into a conversation where I felt confused about what to do, I would stick my hand in my pocket, feel that little list and remember my priorities. That process helped me remember what stuff was MY responsibility and what was everyone else's.

Boundaries in action:

I'm oversimplifying the boundary-building process, I know—but there isn't a web site big enough to hold the whole story of how I've formed healthy boundaries, so I'm trying to keep it simple. Here are a couple examples to give you some ideas:

That one family member who won't stop putting negative ideas in my head is now screened fiercely. Some of his first words after hearing about my wrist fracture and surgery were, "Aren't you afraid you'll lose mobility? Aren't you afraid you won't be able to work?" Wow, man, thanks! That's exactly what I need to hear right now. NOT. I've stopped taking his calls because I tend to absorb his bad energy if I listen. During this healing process, I need to think positively and have hope about how well I'll heal, not be panicked and doubtful.

That friend who used to be really fun all the time and now only tells the same sad breakup story over and over is no longer on my speed dial. I'll have lunch with her and steer the conversation to other topics. I'll set the egg timer on phone calls so I don't lose track of time. I love her and wish I could help her but I can't rehash the same stuff a million times without a positive goal; I'm a busy lady and I have deadlines! Hopefully she'll find a way to move on, and then she'll get speed dial status again.

That waiter who butts into a group conversation and starts to share his life story is shut down. Thanks, sir, but we're kind of in the middle of something here. We're enjoying a nice meal together and while we respect your work and presence, you're not part of our party. A simple, "thanks, we'll flag you if we need you" sufficed when this happened recently.

Why are boundaries critical for ChronicBabes?

So why is all this extra-important for those of us with chronic illness? For starters, most of us are working with reduced energy, time, income...you name it. If we're already running on fewer reserves, we have to protect what we DO have.

And many of us are craving support as we learn to cope with the burdens of being sick, which means we are more vulnerable. We may have to rely on others more than we're used to, and we may be scared, angry or lonely. Increased vulnerability is an open door for folks to take advantage of us emotionally, if we let them. Healthy boundaries are a way to shield ourselves.

If you haven't already guessed, I'm a visual and tactile person, so when I think about boundaries I imagine the look and feel of clothing. When I'm at my weakest (physically and/or emotionally), the boundaries I put up are like a suit of armor: strong, solid, nearly impermeable. That's when I'm not answering the phone for anyone, I'm turning off my email and Twitter clients, and generally hermitting and focusing on healing processes. When I'm feeling stronger, my boundaries are more like a mesh tank top (circa 1983): loose, fairly permeable, but still covering me to some degree.That's when I'm taking more phone calls and emails, and opening up to people more easily.

In my imagination, I can change my outfit anytime depending on my needs: suit of armor one day, mesh tank top the next. Flexibility is important, because there are times when it's OK to let people in, and times when you need to block folks out. I still put on the wrong outfit some days, but I'm learning.

Posted: 12/8/2008 in Relationships | Also posted in: Coping