Follow-up: Learning not to care

by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix

Apparently I touched a nerve the other day with my piece on wishing I didn't care so much about what others think. Turns out I'm not the only Babe who spends too much time worrying about what others think think of me. In fact, besides the get over it piece, this one brought out tons of reader comments. So many, in fact, that I thought I'd share them with you. Sometimes it just feels good to commiserate.

Kristin is trying kindness instead of perfection

I, too, have this problem. I'm working on changing it and I seem to be making progress. One thing I believe is helping is really being honest with myself. How do I want my day, moment, hour to go? Do I want to protect my happiness, enjoyment, and comfort? Yes. For example, I have a neighbor with whom I'd been trying to have a congenial relationship, but he is really abrasive and self-centered. Each time I've tried to work out small issues with him, I get harshly turned away and then I get hurt and spend time and energy figuring out what to do about it. Now each time I find myself moving in the direction of giving him all my energy, I stop and ask myself, what can I do instead to keep or raise my happiness/comfort/joy factor? I usually forget all about him and find something much better to focus on! Another thing I've been thinking about lately is this: "Kindness is better than perfection." This is a new concept to me but I believe it will help me to avoid caring so much what others think. If I'm being kind, isn't that enough?

Sue learned people-pleasing early

I enjoyed your thoughts on this subject. I also was brought up with my mother's mantra of "What will people think!?" I wish I didn't care so much about what other people think about me. My every action is examined ad nauseum by myself as to if I was appropriate or considerate or weird. I try to surround myself with people who accept me for what I am no matter what and to try to avoid those who view me in a negative way. I just wish I could stand up to the critical folks and find the words which would hold up a mirror so that they could see themselves and their own detrimental, destructive behavior.

Patty applies the 10-10-10 rule (thanks, Oprah!)

I read a great article in O Magazine last year about making decisions, called the 10-10-10 rule, and I tend to adapt it to caring about stuff. The idea is that when you're confronted with a decision (or for me, a situation) you ask yourself, "How important will this be 10 minutes from now? 10 months from now? 10 years from now?" It really helps put things in perspective. And I've found that only the super important things that center around the people I love are what matters most. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it was really narcissistic to think that others are concerned with your behavior or appearance or comments. The world does NOT revolve around us, and the sooner we realize that, the better we'll feel. So, think 10-10-10, and RELAX!

Jeselle reminds us not to take it too far

There is someone in my life who really doesn't care. It's a family member. And she approaches everything from her point of view. Every e-mail, every interaction is from her vantage. Nothing is "how are you." Everything is "I want." Or this is how "I want to do things." She has goals and desires and that's how she approaches things. It's always her way. After several years I have found that I just don't liker her. She is like a bull dozer. It's nicer when people consider how you are or what you'd like. Yes I can appreciate your approach and desire to be less of a people-pleaser, because taken too far it can be harmful, but I want to explain, that taken to the other extreme, it is equally harmful.

Rickey tries to lose the "shoulds"

Most of us have lives crammed with far too many "shoulds" and "should haves." If you can lose them, you can still be the same wonderful caring person you are and a whole helluva lot less stressed.

Phyllis aims for balance

I think a lot of it comes with age. I am 63 and have rheumatoid arthritis and fibro. I refuse to be rude to people and would rather ignore them than to do so. I just tell them, "I am not feeling up to it" and go on. I have had people tell me they have arthritis also and just take a couple of aspirin and go on with life. I am happy for them and just go on about my business. I don't feel I have a monopoly on pain or fatigue and they don't need to hear about 14 prescriptions and three shots a week just to keep me mobile. Just keep practicing and eventually you will balance the 'thinking of yourself' and being considerate of others.

Trina doesn't let worry consume her

You do care. You can't not care. The goal is not to let it consume you, to care less about what someone else thinks of you than what YOU think of you! There's a book called What You Think of Me is None of My Business; the title says it all!

Lindsay has a plan (and it's not dorky, even is she says it is)

It sounds dorky, but when I find myself obsessing over things like what you're talking about (and I do), I force myself to make a plan - either on paper or in my head - of how I'm going to solve the situation. Often, the list stays blank, because it's something outside of my control, and then I'm free to let it go. Other times, I end up with a few items on my list of things to do - like making a phone call, sending an email, or doing some research. Having a plan (especially one that's recorded on paper) gives my mind permission to let things go, and I feel like I have control back. It always feels better to be doing something, instead of just spinning my wheels and worrying about it.

Maria has a terrific resource for you

What I care about is that I need to be more clear (with others as well as myself) in what I need or feel - it cuts out the guess work or misunderstandings and gives more opportunity for others to listen. The bottom line is that I want to care about connecting with others while keeping the connection with myself strong. (And she recommends this cool site on non-violent communication.)

Diana has instructions for you

Repeat after me: I am no longer willing to take responsibility for anyone else's thoughts, feelings or actions but my own. Now, doesn't that feel good to say? What we are really talking about here is choosing to detach from other peoples stuff. Choosing to give others permission to live in their own fears or their own negative beliefs without needing them to see the light in order for us to maintain inner peace. (Editrix's note: And she has this cool blog called Living Beyond Stress and Illness, too.)

Barb just wants to feel normal sometimes

I totally know what you mean. I did it myself, just last night. I had a craving for beef out of nowhere. I'm a known vegetarian. I worried that I had the craving because I needed some nutrient and that I was a hypocrite. I talked to a friend and she reminded me that I need to take care of my body first and listen to what it needs. I followed her advice and felt better. The craving's gone and I don't crave it anymore. But I also think part of me wanted to be "normal" and eat "normal" food, not just tofu and etc... Do you know what I mean? It's like I'm feeling better, so I forget I'm sick or brush off my illnesses as not being serious or real.

Katherine has an inspiring message for us all

I have struggled too long to recover my inner core and integrity and having found that, nothing but nothing is ever going to make me lose that again. The loss of my true Self is just too painful to stress too much about people who may or may not like/understand me! It is nice to be liked but I won't die without it, but my spirit will if I don't have the courage to stand by my Self.

Thanks, Babes, for all the great comments. I couldn't fit everyone but I think this is a great representation of what I got back. I always love your comments and I learn from you, too, so thanks! -Jenni

Posted: 5/8/2008 in Venting | Also posted in: Coping

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