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I really wish I didn't care.
by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix
I really wish I didn't care.
Oh, I know that sounds just awful. So negative! But I do, I DO wish I didn't care. Let me explain.
The kinds of things I want to NOT care about:
A neighbor is mad at me right now because he feels I was rude in an email. I disagree, but I spent a few minutes writing an apologetic response anyway in the interest of keeping things copacetic. He hasn't responded, and I'm now dreading the uncomfortable moment when we next see each other.
I really don't want to care about this. I'm spending WAY too much time thinking about why he hasn't responded to my email, or that maybe he didn't receive it so he doesn't know I apologized, and wondering why I even apologized in the first place if I didn't think I did anything wrong. It's a real brain drain.
Someone gave me a gift that I'm not interested in, and I feel like I have to use it anyway so when he comes over he'll see how useful it is. But I don't even like it! So I haven't used it yet, and now every time I spy it sitting there I worry that my friend will come over and see it gathering dust and have his feelings hurt.
I definitely don't want to care about this. Just because someone gave it to me, doesn't mean I have to use it and let it take up space. Using this gift just to please my friend is a ridiculous waste of time and energy. And yet, I still think about it.
I announced to everyone I know that I was going gluten-free, and then I quit after a month...again. It's something I tried before and liked it, and then I tried a month off of it to compare how my health was different...and then we had this personal disaster that discombobulated me for eight months. A few weeks ago, I thought I was finally getting my act together so I went gluten-free again, because I know it has health benefits even though I don't have celiac disease.
But about a month in, a bunch of disaster-related stuff (let's call them aftershocks) showed up and the stress was making my head explode, and I felt like the gluten-free choice was adding a heap of stress. So I went off it again, with the commitment to go back on once and for all once we really close the chapter on our house disaster.
With everything going on, I forgot to tell folks I was back to being gluten-y, and a few friends did really thoughtful things for me like finding gluten-free foods I love and asking ahead at restaurants about menu choices. So I feel guilty when I tell them about my decision, because I don't want them to feel like their efforts are wasted.
So, why do I care? And what does it matter?
A long history of people-pleasing rears its ugly head. Without rehashing ancient details, elements of my childhood trained me to be overly attentive to everyone else's needs while ignoring my own. As an adult, this has meant a certain level of self-sacrificing, which I'm learning to drop.
It feels weird to say to myself things like "my needs and desires come first" and "what I think matters" but I'm practicing. And it IS getting easier.
The toughest bit is getting over what people think of me. (It's a bit narcissistic, actually, to wander around believing that other people are thinking about me. In reality they're probably thinking about breakfast, or their next meeting or something, not that I said something inappropriate or that I was wearing a weird hat.)
So I really don't want to care. I don't! I want to live my life and not imagine what other people are thinking of me.
If I released all that wasted thought, I could do so much more.
I could cancel dinner plans when I'm feeling fatigued and not spend time I should be relaxing thinking that my friends feel disappointed. I could wear sweatpants when I don't have the energy to pick out a cute outfit, instead of trying on a bunch of things when I could be getting my errands finished quickly and then relaxing. I could be moving on from an awkward conversation and relaxing instead of replaying it over and over in my mind.
Do you see a trend here? For a Babe with anxiety and fibromyalgia, I sure spend a lot of time thinking about meaningless crap and using up all my valuable time and energy.
An unlikely role model for not caring
I know a girl who appears to not care at all about other people's perceptions. She voices strong opinions without a quaver in her voice, and she asks for what she wants without hesitation. She once told me she holds on to a position of power in her workplace despite the frustrations of managing people just because it allows her to have final say on everything. She's actually quite bossy and rude - she takes it far beyond not caring about people's perceptions of her, often simply doing whatever she wants without thinking at all about how it affects other people. Hmm. I guess I really dislike her. Maybe I shouldn't spend any more time with her!
But I admire one significant quality she possesses, and that's her ability to act without hesitating to imagine what others will think. I love that! I really want to do that. I want to wake up in the morning and just do my day without a care about how I am perceived. What freedom! What energy she must have to think about other stuff!
The things I DO want to care about:
Okay, so I don't want to be entirely thoughtless.
I do care about my neighbor, to the point that I do my best to be considerate in my interactions. Beyond that, if he has a negative perception, it's not my prob.
I do care about my friend's gift, so I make it clear with my actions that I appreciate his thoughtfulness. And then I put said gift under the bed and I doubt he'll notice I'm not using it, and if he does, well...not my prob.
I do care about my pals being thoughtful re: gluten, so I'll show my appreciation as often as I can and focus my thoughts on how awesome they are and try to come up with cool things I can surprise them with.
The bottom line: I want to care about myself. When I need something, I want to ask for it without hesitation. When I want to say something, I want TO JUST SAY IT and not over-analyze how it might be perceived. I want to reclaim the energy I usually spend worrying about other people and plug it back into ME. Then I can do more for me, and—if I want—for my friends and family.
As always, I'm a work in progress. If you want to give me tips on the healthy way to not care, shoot me an email.
