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Home » Articles » Coping

I am one resilient Babe! And I bet you are, too

by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix
* The first in a series of articles about facing huge challenges and how ChronicBabes can do it well.

I am one resilient Babe, and I bet you are too. Dictionary.com offers this definition of resiliency: "The ability to recover quickly from illness, change, or misfortune; buoyancy." Wikipedia describes resiliency this way: "Resilience in psychology is the positive capacity of people to cope with stress and catastrophe."

Here's my definition: "Resiliency is the ability to get your act together after bad stuff happens, no matter how long it takes or how much you need to ask for help."

Resilience: nature or nurture?

Some people seem to be born resilient—they simply embody a natural ability to get through the tough stuff, learning from it, moving forward, not allowing their negative experiences to slow them down. Other people learn resilience—they receive counseling, they dig into resources on coping, they ask friends and family to guide them.

The American Psychological Association (APA) says resilience "is not a trait that people either have or do not have. It involves behaviors, thoughts, and actions that can be learned and developed in anyone." So you, too, can learn resilience. 

I think I've been resilient for a long time. My childhood wasn't the easiest, including a near-death experience with spinal meningitis and another near-death experience with a man with a gun, among other things. And then there's that bit about being sick all the time, and working for ages to get a diagnosis of fibromyalgia (and asthma and Raynaud's phenomenon, all within a few months...THAT was a fun time). But through it all I maintained a sense of humor, I traveled, I had relationships, I built a business... I didn't let those things stop me.

All this isn't to brag—plenty of other folks have done far better in far circumstances far worse than mine. But I think it does show that I have the strength to work through tough stuff. Wait, not I think, I KNOW. It's just a fact.

(That's me above, at my new home office on the day pals Matt and Meg came over to put together an ergonomic desk set-up for me about three weeks after the storm. I was physically and emotionally exhausted but determined to start getting back to work! Matt snapped this photo and I thought, maybe I should put on makeup or something...but ultimately decided to be myself, as I was in the moment: pooped but happy.

In fact, I think resilience is a quality that many ChronicBabes share. In the short time since I founded this site, I've met hundreds of women who face horrible diseases every day and still push on. They raise families, inspire others with their own blogs or zines or books, build fulfilling careers, find love, embrace hope and peace. It's incredible! They inspire me every day.

Am I resilient?

It can't be a coincidence that my ChronicPal Shannon sent me a link the other day to an article on resilience from the National Fibromyalgia Association. I've been thinking a lot about resiliency a lot lately, and talking about it with my psychologist. (I see someone regularly as part of my pain management program.) There's nothing like being in your home when a microburst (or tornado, or whatever) hits to test your resiliency.

I'm comfortable admitting that the first couple months after the storm were extremely hard on me. We had to rely on so many people for help, which you would think I'm well-practiced in...but asking to live with friends for a few weeks is very different from asking for help opening a jar or running errands. It's freaky! But, especially in the early days after we were displaced, I was too exhausted to question my need for help or my instinct to ask for it. So we had a ton of support.

(That's Steve in the photo, showing his amazing resiliency—he already had a sense of humor about our situation two days later, during our pack-a-thon. Our pals Mike, to his right, and James, to his left, were two of the 19 people who came to our rescue when we asked for help! Pal Andrew took some funny photos like this one when he was taking breaks from packing.)

Steve and I have made so many decisions, so quickly, with so little time or research, it makes my head spin to think about it. We have faced so many intense emotions and new situations it feels like we're already significantly changed (and stronger) as a couple. I've had wonderful realizations about friends and family; I've also been surprised at a few people who've shown their true colors in ways I didn't expect (or like).

Through it all, I've tried to keep it together. Again, I'm comfortable admitting that it's been extremely tough. I've had moments (if you call a couple days a "moment") where I didn't answer emails or phone calls, camped out on the couch with a favorite book because I didn't want to face all the crap we had to deal with. I've had to see my doctors more frequently because my stress levels skyrocketed and I wasn't able (or forgot) to stick with my self-care regimen. I've felt guilty because I wasn't working more. I've felt lonely in this little apartment without my pal Alyssa across the hall to gossip with.

But as I sit at my computer today, I can say with confidence that I'm okay, and that we'll be okay no matter what happens. What got me here, feeling so different than I did just a few weeks ago? I'd like to think it's resilience—a persistent approach including many different actions that's keeping me hopeful and (relatively) calm. 

YOU can be resilient! Start by following these tips from the American Psychological Association

Maybe you're a newly diagnosed ChronicBabe and you're not sure you're strong enough to live well with illness. Or maybe you've been a sick chick for a long time, but still struggle to make it through rough patches. Either way, there are tools you can learn to boost your resilience. The APA has a list of 10 things you can do to build resilience, and I've added my own commentary so you can see how one ChronicBabe is applying their advice. (You can try a few or all of these, or just start with one for now...they're all helpful.)

1. Make connections. When I started to notice I was hermitting more than usual, I knew it was a bad sign—and immediately made plans with a few friends. Getting out for a networking event, Project Runway night at my pal Linda's, or a movie with my best friend Natalie have all helped me stay connected and meet new folks.

2. Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems. About five weeks after the storm, I was really freaking out about the mounting questions and concerns we had. It seemed impossible to handle it all! So I made a huge list of everything I was worried about, and started tackling items one by one. Soon I had crossed off half the list and I felt like I could accomplish my goals, one small item at a time.

3. Accept that change is a part of living. This idea I've lived with for over a decade, going from a lean and mean competitive swimmer to an "I can swim for 10 minutes before I get winded" kind of gal. So I can't swim so much...big deal. I can still swim some, and I have the cutest bathing suits for my 10-minute workouts.

(By the way, the photo to the right shows off my tiny office Christmas tree—a ChronicBabe tradition. Since I don't have my old tree, I headed to Target for a $10 tree and $2 lights and I'll make my own ornaments. Not bad for $12 and a couple hours' work, and it brightens up my wall of boxes and stuff! Talk about accepting change.)

4. Move toward your goals. See number two. And the photo of me, exhausted, setting up my new office in spite of it. Maybe you can't accomplish things as quickly as you once imagined, but that's no reason to give up. Get creative! Get proactive! Get a day planner and book time every day to reach for your goals and dreams.

5. Take decisive actions. There were times I wanted to deny what was going on. (Remember what I said about turning off the phone and curling up on the couch?) But it actually felt better to tackle tough issues instead. Now that I'm off the couch and getting things done, I feel SO much more in control (a feeling we ChronicBabes sometimes miss more than anything!)

6. Look for opportunities for self-discovery. You probably don't want to hear it. But it's true: hard situations often change us for the better. Since the storm, my tolerance for B.S. is nil, and I'm way more protective of my time and energy—qualities I strived for for a long time that now feel natural. What took me so long? At least I'm here now.

7. Nurture a positive view of yourself. For me, this has meant getting back into my self-care routine, doing my make-up each day and getting pedicures, and trying to recognize all the things I have done well since the storm, like eating better, getting back into a regular sleep pattern, and going back to work. I feel really proud of myself for doing all that, when at first all I wanted to do was cry and sleep.

8. Keep things in perspective. All I have to do is think of how my sister Meredith and her husband Mike handled life in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Or of the many women who write to me who live with far worse ailments than my own. It's not that I pity them, or that I'm discounting what I'm going through...but it keeps me looking at the big picture.

(Talk about perspective: The pic above is me and Steve at downtown Chicago's annual "Festival of Lights" parade a few days ago. Instead of staying inside and whining about our situation, we figured since we live so close for now, we might as well enjoy the parade—something we hadn't done in years. Everything seems better with fireworks and hot cocoa! I think we'll re-embrace this tradition in years to come.)

9. Maintain a hopeful outlook. At first I thought, ugh, so much work has to happen on our home. Now, I'm getting excited about having new appliances and painting and woodwork and floors and ceilings and light fixtures...it's exciting! By staying focused on the good that is to come, I keep from getting too bummed out.

10. Take care of yourself. See number seven. The downside of our temporary apartment: it's not our condo. The upside: it has a pool, so I can swim every day. Fantastic! I'm trying hard to get back into my routines and nurture myself when I need it. I take breaks when I feel low or tired, I call friends when I need a boost, I eat healthy meals (mostly), I write about my feelings, I meditate...rinse and repeat.

There are even more resources on this topic at the APA web site. 

Resilience is achievable

Perfection is not, so don't think you can follow these steps by the book and everything will be perfectly rosy, because that's just not how it works. But you can become more resilient, and consequently, enjoy your life so much more even if you're experiencing something horrible. You just need to give it a try, a little bit every day.

I've worked at it for a long time (why do you think ChronicBabe came into existence?) and you can see how it has paid off: I'm facing the biggest hurdle of my life and I'm doing okay. Heck, better than okay! I'm still having fun and laughing and looking forward to good things to come. So I know you can do it too. I believe in you, the same way my friends and support team believe in me.

Posted: 11/24/2007 in Coping

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