How asking for help has brought me closer to friends

by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix

It's almost Independence Day, and I'm thinking about how dependent I am on my friends. It's not like I can't survive without them, but I do need them.

The question is on my mind today because I'm participating in a small blogging roundtable discussion on the subject of independence and pain:

"How does pain affect your independence? Do you push yourself too hard? Do you hide the fact that you're in pain? Is it hard to ask for help?"

I was invited to address these questions, along with several other people who blog about pain, by How To Cope With Pain. To see all the other posts, go to the How To Cope With Pain blog.

My friends sometimes forget that I am in pain

And for the most part, I'm glad my friends forget about it. The last thing I want is for my pals to walk around, worrying about me, thinking every time they see me that I'm a mess.

But because I've learned to live with pain, I don't always say anything about it. I might take a day off because I don't feel well, but I don't announce it to the world. I might need somewhere to sit when we go out, but I find it myself most times. There are days when I can't walk very far, or I'll go out with girlfriends and I can only dance to a couple songs. But I don't whine about it.

Because I'm relatively quiet about the pain I live with, people forget I have it, especially my friends.

The resulting conversations are interesting. I took a few days off work recently because my hands flared up something awful. When I came back from work I turned on AOL Instant Messenger and a friend popped up immediately. He wondered where I'd been, and I explained that I'd taken a few days off because of my pain. He was stunned - his reaction was kind of funny to me, because he's known me for years and we're quite close (so he knows all about my pain experience).

"I'm sorry to hear that you had to take days off," he replied. "Sometimes I forget that you have a devastating illness," he joked. (This is our long-running method for finding the humor in my situation.)

Therein lies the biggest way I need my friends: humor

I need them to help me laugh about my situation. Their senses of humor keep me afloat on my worst days! But truthfully, when I feel my worst, my instinct is to hermit, and not call anyone. It's a bad instinct, bad!

So I keep retraining myself to ask for help, even if the help is just a joke or a friendly phone call. Because I really do need my friends.

And in a way, opening up to my friends over the years has brought us closer together. They're completely supportive and always offering to help out—and whenever I've needed a hand, someone has come through. So I'm really lucky! And I try to reciprocate any time I can. Being there for each other is a gift. We all work hard to keep our relationships strong.

So to answer these questions today, I'll respond in the context of being surrounded by excellent friends:

How does pain affect your independence?

It makes me more dependent on others, for mostly intangible needs: a sense of humor, a good listening ear, patience with my occasional rants, creativity in finding a solution that's causing me trouble, persistence in reminding me to chill out when I get frustrated. It's not as though I would die without these things, but I would be much less happy.

Do you push yourself too hard?

Yes! Duh. I willingly took a successful freelance writing business and put it on temporary hold to create an entire online community devoted to women with chronic illness. So, yes. I push myself too hard. There are days when I definitely flare myself up with overwork and stress. It's hard to accept that I can't do as much as I once could. But my friends are often in my ear, reminding me to calm down and take a step back.

Do you hide the fact that you're in pain?

Not usually, but I don't shout it from the rooftops either. I could probably be better about speaking up when I need additional help because of pain. But it's a fine line between asking for help and whining. If I told someone I was in pain every time I was, I would literally always be announcing my pain, so that won't work. I'm still trying to find the balance.

Is it hard to ask for help?

Not as hard as it used to be! There was a time when I would never ask for help. I'm getting better about calling in the troops. There are many times I wait too long to do so, though, so I'm trying to learn to get help earlier in a situation rather than later, when I'm desperate.

That's me. How about you?

Now you know a little more about how pain affects my independence. (And, how being honest about it has helped me build stronger relationships with friends.)

How about you? I would love to hear more about your experience with pain and independence. Send me your story, and I'll run some in a follow-up piece.

Posted: 7/3/2007 in Relationships

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