Someone told me to "get over it"

by Jenni Prokopy, the ticked-off Editrix

Yup. He said, in regard to my pain, "get over it."

Let's call this person Fred. Fred has never been all that understanding of my chronic pain issues. Oh, it's not that he can't relate -- he has chronic issues of his own, plenty. He just takes a wildly divergent approach to managing them.

Fred's always tried his best to offer sage advice, and I know that he believes he's comforting me when he says certain things. But so often, he misses the mark.

I've tried for years to make him understand how it makes me feel, tried to explain my situation to him in a way that would provide a new perspective. I want Fred to get it. I want him to know that I'm no wimp, that I'm not lazy -- that I am doing everything I can do to take care of myself in a healthy, balanced way. All my other pals seem to get it, but not Fred.

No matter what I say, he always thinks I'm doing it wrong. Every conversation (even subtopics of each conversation) comes back to how he handles chronic situations, and he tries to apply to his approach to my situation. Ladies, I know you know this doesn't work; you can offer advice, and then you have to back off and let your chronic pal do their own thing. Yes?

So this is how the conversation went last night: Fred knows my chronic history pretty well; I filled him in on how I was doing with my latest back episode. I explained that physical therapy was helping, that after five days of meds I was almost through my first day without muscle relaxants, that I was frustrated but slowly getting better. I probably whined a little bit about having to be patient with a situation that limits my activity.

And he said something very nearly like ... "You've always had problems with your back, it's just a matter of genetics. You're going to have to learn to handle these problems. Just get over it."

What the %#~?! Get over it? GET OVER IT?! Who says that? Who means that? I mean, it's one thing to encourage someone to keep working through a bad spot, maybe reminding them that they've made it through flare-ups before and they can do it again. But "get over it?" That is just a crappy thing to say to another human being. It is so dismissive. Lacking compassion. Thoughtless. Mean. A comment like that doesn't leave room for a reply, let alone continuance of the conversation.

(It is so apropos that I am listening to "Nugget" by Cake as I write this. If you don't know the song, check it out - it's very fitting. Lyrics here.)

The real kick in the butt is that I was at a loss for words to reply. I basically ended the conversation and handed the phone to hubbie Steve. When he hung up and came into the kitchen and saw me crying over dinner prep, he was baffled; when I explained what happened, he asked why I hadn't filled him in before handing off the phone. "What would you have done," I asked? "I'd tell him off," he simply replied.

I wish I had a great comeback for the "get over its" of the world. I wish that in that moment, I would have told Fred to bite me. In my shoes, would you have been able to?

I started writing this piece to satisfy my need to vent, but now that I've let it go, I wonder what you all have to say. So e-mail me and tell me what you think! I'd love to hear what you have to say.

Posted: 2/27/2006 in Venting | Also posted in: Relationships

Gee, I really need some new undies. Maybe I should get that ChronicBabe thong my sister was talking about...

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Someone told me to "get over it"