Naysayer smackdown! Readers respond with personal stories and advice

by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix

When I wrote recently about talking to naysayers, I had no idea how strongly it would impact our readers. We were flooded with e-mails! Clearly, learning how to respond to negative people is a hot issue for ChronicBabes.

We've gathered a collection of responses, to give you some ideas to use in your own life. You may not agree with everyone's perspective (heck, I don't agree with some of them!) but they are worth considering. Thanks to everyone who wrote in and shared their personal experiences. You are all true Babes!

I have trouble finding the balance between telling people about my job and disclosing too much about my illness.

I am proud of you for standing up for us and making someone think about the degree of disability from chronic illness. Even if she wasn't very receptive, you did offer a new perspective. And of course you protected yourself -- why jump into the lion pen, especially when you're supposed to be having fun? - Kerrie, The Daily Headache

Good for you for choosing to get on with your life and having fun at the party, especially since it would probably have given you more physical pain later on if you stayed and talked to her.

Some people are just negative and bottomless pits of need, so talking to them is always a challenge. I've always admired the Ann Landers/Miss Manners approach when people behave boorishly: "Oh, it's really too bad you feel that way. I would have thought as a health care provider you would have had more compassion. It's a shame that you have chosen a field where you are in contact with so many people who are ill—it must be difficult for them to deal with you." But say it in the sweetest voice possible (difficult to maintain when something is making one so furious!)

I think you did the right thing by walking away—and now by posting it and asking for suggestions, you are helping others with the same type of problem. Yay—you win the karma wars! - Michelle

People who think I am whiny or lazy really piss me off.

My approach with people who are naysayers therefore is to point them toward evidence that they can not argue. I usually end up sending them web sites that discuss migraine genetic research, or if the person is into art, physchology, etc., I send them similarly related sites that relate to migraines. I try to find something I know this person will read and has facts they cannot argue. Many naysayers feel a lot more empathetic when they hear something like "It's mitiochondrial-linked and caused by low serotonin levels," etc. Wow. It must be real. And on a clinical pain scale of 1-10 it's a 10. Now I feel your pain. - Kristin

I think it's fruitless to try to convince the terminally stupid, or perhaps chronically vague is a better way to put it.

Let's face it, some people have so protected themselves from anything unpleasant that the paradigm of their lives is too small to accept the solution you propose. Others are simply ignorant, not in a malignant way, and are often accepting of the idea that it takes effort of a special kind for the chronically ill, to just be themselves.

One of the better things about being disabled and chronically ill, is that you can get away with just about anything you want. Rude or insensitive people get the same back from me. If those people don't care about my feelings or the feelings of others, I feel no obligation to be polite or understanding of them. - Colin, Chronic Pain Lifestyle

You really aren't going to change someone's entrenched beliefs in just one conversation. It may be the start of them changing their point of view, but likely you won't be around to see the end of their metamorphosis.

The other thing is, the woman you talked with did have some valid points, even if they were disguised among all the other ish she blathered. There are plenty of people with chronic ailments who are able to work within the "confines" of whatever they're dealing with and lead so-called "normal" lives. There are also others who like to whine and complain about every little thing that's wrong with them. And, of course, there's the giant group that falls in the middle of those two extremes. Not everyone is going to be a responsible person, and meeting up with one or more of these constant complainers in a longterm situation (i.e., not just a random person on the bus, but someone you have to work with daily for years) does tend to change your views of people with chronic ailments.

I really do think you handled your naysayer as best you could. Remember, you don't know what seeds you planted that may grow and bloom years down the road. - Lexi

If someone asks, I tell them I have made peace with my situation most days. I take my drugs that let me work and I accept that some days will be worse than others.

I refuse to whine. Whining is counterproductive; it turns people off. If I meet someone who thinks "anyone with a chronic illness should just throw themselves off a bridge," I tell them it was considered and rejected and then I turn it around. I ask that person why they believe they couldn't survive a chronic illness. The answers are always interesting. Most times they have witnessed chronic illness first-hand and they really didn't like what it revealed about the ill and themselves. Almost always these weird judgemental people have a story to tell that makes it clear why chronic illness makes them unlikeable people. I refuse to take the weirdos personally.

I will not become the educator to the world either; I have enough to do. If it is relevant I speak about it, if I am asked I speak about it. I don't try to change hearts and minds. If these people are lucky they will never need to understand, if not they will need your site to make some peace. You did what you could and you moved on; that is all that is required. - MBeemer

I get many comments from people saying they have 'arthritis too' and they just take a couple of Tylonel, Aleve, use Aspercreme, etc. and go on with their lives.

I realize they do not understand (the difference between my severe rheumatoid arthritis and their situation) and I just comment that I am glad they have found something that works for them. I do not have the time or energy to spend on these people to convince them my 'pain' is worse than theirs. Pain is pain and I feel for anyone who has to live with it on a daily or even an 'off and on' basis. You did the right thing by leaving her company and enjoying the party ... you go girl. - Phyllis

As much as I would like to keep my cool, my bitchy-girl attitude sometimes gets the best of me.

I suffer from daily migraines and chronic daily headaches. It is a never-ending uphill battle of medication, abortive therapy, and the list just goes on. Then I get someone who, with screaming children in background (who is also screaming at them), explains to me how they, too, have a migraine! Now how can this possibly be, when I am covering my eyes in a dark room, earplugs in my ears, door shut, and it's STILL TOO LOUD???

This is where I bite my tongue and say, "well-written" and thank you. Perhaps one day this person will find herself in the company of chronic pain. Not that I really wish that on anyone, but I won't lie when I say it crosses my mind. - Deborah, Weathering Migraine Storms

There was no way that anything you could say would have changed that woman's mind.

Until the day when she has to start dealing with hypertension, or she gets rheumatoid arthritis, or begins getting migraines, or has back pain 24/7, or her joints ache to death and no one can find out why... You get the picture. She is either ignorant or without compassion. Maybe both. And god help the patient when the naysayer is an RN. I've worked with a few in my time. I'm glad that her life has been so carefree that she has never had to deal with anything that would mar her perfect world. Pity. Those who have to deal with illnesses tend to be more compassionate toward those who have to deal with illness, either living it or seeing it. - Kim, Emergiblog

I've thought a lot about the woman you encountered who couldn't believe there was a need for a blog for chronic babes. Did you ever follow up with her?

Why not send her an honest letter explaining how unbelieveably insensitive you found her, and that you wonder how she'll react when some health ailment (heart issues, cancer, etc. - eventually, most people are afflicted with something) happens to her? - Lyrehca, Managing the Sweetness Within

Sometimes you just have to accept that the person who has not had the experience of chronic illness, just cannot truly understand how your life can be completely influenced by a condition.

If you have rationally explained the various ways your daily life is overshadowed by your condition, and the person keeps offering glib "solutions," often you have to understand that the problem is with the other person, not you. Some people do not have the ability to understand something that they have not experienced. The fault is within them, not you. You should try to accept their failure to empathise, and let go of your intention to get them to understand. I see it as a form of blindness - these people cannot see the suffering of another. (Of couse there is nothing to prevent your evil twin from hoping that one day the person will develop a chronic condition and have the experience of trying to convince naysayers of their problems. Wink.) - Jan

I see walking away from naysayers (and the just plain ignorant), not only as personal damage control, but as the only option, once you’ve made an initial effort to be heard.

People with particular opinions about things they know nothing about are not likely to be interested in learning a new point of view. (I might add that I also refuse to get into heated arguments about politics or religion). - Lisa

I think you need to react as the mood takes you, so just like the "healthy folk" some days I'm in a better mood than others; some days it does me good to argue my case for those with chronic illnesses and other days it is better for me to hold my tongue and let their ignorance pass over my head.

I do enjoy, however, seeing people look embarrassed when they make snarky comments when I get out of breath easily. A neighbour said to me a few weeks ago when we had run to get a train, "God you look awful, you can't run 50 yards to catch a train." I replied that if she had a bone marrow disorder with an uncomfortable enlarged spleen she might find it difficult too; I know it's naughty but I enjoyed watching her contrite effort at apologising. It didn't last long though because I then felt guilty, and said "don't worry, I've had this illness for some time now and everyone forgets I'm not on top form when it come to running." Over the years my health has deteriorated and I think people just forget you're not well. - Marley

Posted: 7/25/2006 in Venting | Also posted in: Relationships

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