Managing a mean manager: How one babe balanced her career AND her health

By Lily Thomas

Those of us who live with a chronic illness know that sometimes, you come into contact with people who don’t really understand. That experience can be difficult to cope with, but usually we can choose to spend our time with people who do understand and are able to be supportive. It’s a bit harder when the person who doesn’t “get it” is your boss.

I have lived with chronic daily headache and migraines for the past eight years. I am one of the lucky ones: I have some days that are pain-free, so I am able to work part-time. But I have found that to do so successfully, I need a certain level of understanding and flexibility from my employer. My company is great on the whole: They make it a policy to be supportive of employees and their needs and problems. There is even unlimited sick leave, which is managed on a case-by-case basis if usage is high.

Compassionate and supportive, mostly

But I’ve found that the most important factor in my ability to function well at work is the personality of my immediate superior. For the most part I have been lucky; I’ve had a string of bosses, almost all of them compassionate and supportive. It helps that I am pretty conscientious and hardworking. They can see that I’m working hard when I am at work; I just have to go home early sometimes.

Each time I’ve had a new boss, all I’ve needed to do is make it clear to them that I won’t miss reasonable deadlines, but that there are times when I just need to go home, end of story. Yes, I take more sick leave than the average person, but the work gets done. Isn’t that what it’s all about?

But recently I had a not-so-good boss experience. It didn’t help that he is a workaholic himself, but the main problem was that he clearly didn’t understand the relationship between pain and fatigue. He didn’t understand that when I say I’m tired, I don't mean a bit sleepy - I mean I’m not quite sure how I’m going to make it home safely. And he didn’t understand that pushing me was counterproductive, that it made me feel stressed and insecure, which in turn made my health worse.

We muddled along OK until last year, when I had a serious upheaval in my personal life. I told him what was going on, explaining that I might not be operating at full strength for the next few weeks at least. He said that at times like this, it was helpful to just throw yourself into work, that it can be a good distraction. That’s when the alarm bells really started to go off for me. I don’t see overworking as a good remedy for stress for anyone, much less someone who is chronically ill.

You can't wish away your illness

And here’s where my own rather strong work ethic started to work against me. OK, I thought, I’ll live up to his expectations, I’ll work my ass off. I’ll do anything I can to make sure I don’t disappoint; that’ll make this problem go away.

But you can’t wish away your illness when it’s not convenient for you or for someone else. Inevitably, the headaches got worse, as did the fatigue. I started taking more and more sick leave. I’m not a mind reader, but I got a distinct sense of my boss’s disapproval every time I took time off.

I know that sick leave is a cost to the company, but seeing my manager take that so much to heart was a new experience. I was used to bosses who were primarily concerned with my well-being. When you think about it, it’s win-win: A well employee will be more productive in the long-run, right? But the disapproving vibes got worse and worse.

Sometimes when I called in sick, he would start asking questions about my illness, about what was causing the headaches. The questions were hard to answer with a pounding head, particularly seeing as I thought I’d explained my illness sufficiently to him when he became my manager. It got awkward. On more than one occasion I was too scared to call in sick; instead, I got one of my flatmates to do it for me.

Heading off disaster

When I realized things weren't getting better, I went to my boss and raised the idea of temporarily reducing my hours. I reasoned that it was better to be realistic about my capabilities, which were clearly diminishing. I reasoned that I’d probably end up doing the same amount of work, but the company would no longer be paying for so much sick leave. I reduced my hours from 30 to 25 per week, and within weeks my condition stabilized a little. It was clearly The Right Thing to Do.

I also decided that, rather than just willing myself to get better and meet everyone’s expectations, I’d try another strategy: honest communication, as much of it as possible. I put together a short written document explaining my illness, the symptoms, and what treatments and strategies I typically use to keep myself as well as possible. I gave a copy to my boss, and one to the human resources department to keep on file. I encouraged both people to ask questions if any of it didn’t make sense.

Eventually, a happy ending

But I got the distinct impression that rather than seeing this as me taking responsibility for myself and my condition, instead, my boss viewed my actions as weak - a sign of reduced credibility. I wasn’t given any credit for my honesty, and my commitment to the company’s needs as well as my own.

The story has a happy ending, though, if not an ideal one. I’d love to be able to say that my boss learned to be more sensitive, and to give me the support I needed to perform to the best of my ability. Instead I now have a new boss, one I have a great relationship with. I walk past my old boss in the hall, and I think we both breathe a sigh of relief. In the end, I didn’t have time to be his learning curve.

Posted: 8/6/2006 in Careers

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Managing a mean manager: How one babe balanced her career AND her health

Compassionate and supportive, mostly

You can't wish away your illness

Heading off disaster

Eventually, a happy ending