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Sex, with wires and cables and batteries, oh my!

by Iris Miniver

The surest way to a geek's heart is to offer them a technological challenge. I can't think of anything more befitting than trying to have sexual intercourse while wearing a portable Holter monitor, aka electrocardiogram (ECG) machine.

I take a deep breath, pick up the phone, and call my boyfriend.

"We have to have sex between now and 1:22 tomorrow afternoon," I tell him.

"Really?"

"Yes. That’s when the monitor comes off."

"I'm not sure how I feel about this," he tells me.

"Listen, the whole reason for the Holter monitor is to see how my heart responds to exercise, so we have to," I say, getting irritated.

"Oh, it's a science experiment!" he exclaims.

"Yes."

"I'll be right over." The phone goes dead in my hand.

The Holter monitor straps on with a belt; imagine a very ugly fanny pack in heavy nylon canvas. Sexy.

"Holter monitor" is shorthand for the device that can record a heartbeat while a patient walks around, and like most medical machines or procedures, it is named for its inventor, Dr. Norman J. Holter. Instead of the 12 electrodes that the regular type uses, the Holter has five "leads" (electrode and cable) and records for up to 48 hours. The monitor tracks heart rhythm abnormalities more elusive than those a two-minute test in the doctor's office can pick up.

It is a non-invasive test. When I get my monitor, they stick down the electrodes with adhesive, and then they tape down the electrodes so they don't come loose. I think they would staple them on if they could. But this level of security becomes useful later on, so I stop complaining. The wires from the electrodes are collected into a cable and this long, grey cord feeds into the monitor.

They are out of the digital monitors, the size of a pager. So my model is an older Walkman-type and it is literally a cassette tape and a 9-volt battery in a metal case with some electronics. They give me a strap to wear it like a belt; imagine a very ugly fanny pack in heavy nylon canvas. I am seriously going to re-run this test with the newer units at a later date.

At home, waiting for the boyfriend, I begin to lose my nerve. I've had several of these monitors in the past, but not while I've been dating this particular guy. And I don't remember having had sex with one of them on. I'm sure I must have done it, but I'm coming up blank. Since I've never done it with this boyfriend, it feels brand new again. This is one bicycle I seem to have forgotten how to ride.

Just how does one have sex while wearing a medical device? Very carefully.

The boyfriend appears and I decide I'd better do the undressing myself so we don’t pull off any leads, or my skin with them. Before I can undress, I have to unclip the monitor belt, hold the monitor in one hand and undress with the other. Not sexy. And handing the monitor to the boy and saying, "hold this," while I strip didn’t appeal to me.

"I have to warn you," I say as I start the procedure. "I look like the Borg."

"Cool!" he almost squeals with glee.

Oh, god, I think. Which is worse, that I look like a robot or that it turns him on?

The boyfriend is trying not to be nervous. He is a bit on the clumsy side and I know he is worried about the wires pulling loose. I'm not sure that I can allay his fears since losing even one lead ruins the test and I would have to start over another time. I don't tell him this, in case it makes him more nervous.

I put the box down on the bed next to me and I lay down on my back. The boyfriend lays down next to me on the non-monitor side and kisses me, gingerly, making sure not to touch any electrodes. It is easier than he thought to avoid them, as they are small areas (even with the extra tape) and not covering anything essential.

It's a very straightforward, almost clinical experience, but we have no complaints.

We use the missionary position, which is not the most exciting way to do it, but it works and we cuddle for a bit afterwards. It's a very straightforward, almost clinical experience, but we have no complaints.

Eventually, we start again, and this time I get on my knees while holding the monitor in my left hand, and then put it down next to me. This is where the ugly cable comes in handy, as it is long enough for me to be mostly upright, with my hands free while the boyfriend is behind me. As long as he keeps his hands on erogenous zones or my neck and hips, the cables and leads are safe because they run along my collarbone, under the breasts and mid-torso, slightly to the outside.

The second time is better, as practice does usually "make perfect" and the boyfriend is less worried about dislodging a lead.

Later, when I get up, I write down "Sexual intercourse" on my activity log. It really isn't science unless you write it down. The test requires that you log your activities such as eating, running, and sitting. I suppose I would also want to know if having sex was causing any arrhythmias, too. So down it goes.

My personal feeling is that intercourse while wearing a monitor is best accomplished with a regular partner. It should never be a surprise that you will have red, brown, green, white, and blue wires running from your chest to a box at your waist. Start out gently to get acclimated and make sure the box is out of the way if you try complicated positions so that no one has any cables caught in or under each other. But with a little patience and care, the Holter monitor won't interfere with your ability to successfully complete the experiment - on all levels!

Iris Miniver is a Chicago native, freelance writer, and jewelry designer who also happens to have a chronic heart condition called Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy. She volunteers for the Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy Association and wants you to know that HCM is sometimes misdiagnosed at Mitral Valve Prolapse. Please visit 4hcm.org.

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Posted: 4/18/2006 in Chronically Sexy | Also posted in: Relationships, Inspiration

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