To teach? To shush? To punch? What do you do when confronted with a naysayer?

by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix

We had a great holiday weekend: watched a ton of movies, rested, ate great food, hung out with friends, hit the farmers' market, ate more great food...you get the picture. It was topped off with a fab fourth of july party last night at the house of some very close friends. There were a few guests I had never met before, and I did my best to mingle.

Oh, trouble. That's how I met my first real naysayer. She sat down next to me and started talking about work. "What do you do," she asked? "I own my own freelance writing business," I replied. "And I run ChronicBabe.com, an online resource for young women with chronic illness. Our mission is to help women be their best, no matter what kind of health conditions they battle."

"Huh?" she replied, a bored look on her face. I explained it again, with more detail. "Why?" she asked. "What's the need?"

A first time for everything

Honestly, I've never heard a reply like that before. Usually, people are intrigued and want to know more. And considering this was a woman, who then proceeded to reveal that she had worked in health care, I was even more stunned. Seriously, slack-jawed.

"Well," I replied, "there are millions of people in this country living with chronic illness, and many of them are women. Young women especially face unique challenges in that they must juggle the demands of family, career, love lives, and social calendars along with all of their health care needs. It's a lot to handle and I try to present solutions and perspectives that help them do all that so they can lead creative, vibrant, fulfilling lives." (OK, so maybe I wasn't that succinct. I had already had a glass of wine. But close enough.)

"Really," she said. "Do you know anyone who has Crohn's or colitis? I don't know how people live like that. Their days are just ruled by their health. I don't see the point."

"Urm, what do you mean? The point of living? The point of my web site?" I asked.

"I just don't know how they exist," she replied. "I know this one woman with migraines and she just complains all the time and takes naps every day. She just needs to stop talking about it and go see someone to get rid of it. Come on. And those people with fibromyalgia, I guess it can be intense for short periods, but really."

"Well, that's my point," I said, reining in my frustration. (Keep in mind, I am a chick with fibromyalgia, and a friend of many babes with Crohn's and migraines.) "There are people whose lives basically come to a halt, and what I'm trying to do is show those people how to start living again, how to have balanced lives in spite of their illness."

Running in circles

The conversation continued in this vein, getting more and more frustrating (for me, anyway). She proceeded to question the need for young women to work, asked why I had to work or why I thought my personal aspirations were as worthy as my husband's. She wondered aloud why women of my generation feel the need to "constantly compete" with men. She expressed her belief that people with chronic illness should never complain, least of all in the workplace. "So what," she said. "That's their problem - come to work, and do your job. Don't make it my problem."

Ugh. I was just stupefied. In that moment, I had a decision to make: Do I argue my beliefs with this woman, when it's clear that I'm not going to change her mind, and it's likely to disrupt the party? Or do I extract myself from the conversation and go spend the rest of the night with people I adore? It was actually an easy decision. I went to another room and hung with my peeps, one of whom got me laughing about the negative and bizarre turn of conversation.

Second guessing

In the car on the way home, fireworks going off in every direction as we zoomed down I-94, hubbie Steve and I talked about what had happened. He was surprised that I hadn't jumped down her throat when she belittled folks with fibromyalgia and other chronics. I realized the choice I'd made in that moment was to protect myself: I've come to accept that certain people will never change, and it's not worth the negative energy for me to fight that uphill battle.

When I argue with a naysayer, I get emotional, my body gets tense, and then I hurt. It was a choice between arguing with her (to no great end) and having it ruin my night, or ending the moment and having a great time. I chose the great time. And it was a good choice in the moment, because I should make the choice to take care of myself. Who wants to hurt all night because of an argument with some jerk?

But... does walking away from a discussion like that help anything? This morning, looking back, I don't think so. I kind of wish I had argued with her, explained that I'm one of those awful, wretched souls for whom she clearly has no compassion. And shock of shocks - I'm also a successful, happy, fulfilled person, one who contributes to society, one who deserves to have her dreams come true. Oh, and bite me.

Wanting a thicker skin

So I'm going to work on that - the ability to calm myself internally, so that in similar moments, I can explain that we Chronic Babes are everywhere, and we're not going to give up. I want to be able to speak my mind clearly and convincingly, without feeling that inner anger and tension that makes me hurt so much later. Because we need more voices out there in the world, showing people that we are not pathetic creatures to be pitied or shunted aside. We're women of commitment and power and worth, and we deserve to get what we want.

How about you?

So, I'm curious - what happens when you encounter naysayers? Do you take their opinions personally, and try to argue your position? Do you get angry and flustered? Or do you calmly speak your mind, mesmerizing others around you with your verbal prowess and confidence? (Girl, if that last one's you, I need some advice!) Fill me in - I'm so curious. And I'll post selected responses so we can all learn from each other.

Posted: 7/5/2006 in Venting | Also posted in: Relationships

Gee, I really need some new undies. Maybe I should get that ChronicBabe thong my sister was talking about...