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The question of the day: May I touch you?
by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix
The answer today is: no, you may not. But unfortunately, you probably won't bother asking anyway.
Sounds like a bad date, right? Wrong. This is a regular occurence for me. People touch me. People I don't know at all, and people I've known forever. In public places, in private gatherings. They just feel the need to touch me without provocation.
And sometimes, that's OK. Like when a good friend gives me a hug, or hubbie Steve gives my tush a squeeze, or a colleague gives me a hand as I step out of a cab. That's all good.
Bad Touch
But today I had some Bad Touch. Bad Touch makes me angry - see how angry I am? ->
Which brings me to the question of the day: May I Touch You? It just doesn't get asked enough.
My Bad Touch experience happened a few hours ago at a service establishment. (I don't want to elaborate, because the owner is great and my Bad Touch wasn't her fault at all.) In addition to the location's regular services, for the holidays, the owner invited someone in who does bodywork (let's call her Deb), and introduced me to her. I politely explained (and the owner reiterated) to Deb that I have chronic pain from fibromyalgia, but would be happy to hear more about what she does.
First, she started to explain to me that eastern medicine emphasizes a mind-body experience, and that those of us with pain must not neglect the emotional causes.
Yup. Know that. Been working on that for years.
Then she talked about how we all have to be open to trying new things. Uh-huh. I know where this is heading. Many bodywork folks go through this same song and dance: they assume someone with chronic pain is ignorant of the mind-body connection, or hasn't tried anything but a fistful of pills. Wrong! I'm totally open to trying new things, but at my own pace, on my schedule. And when Deb pauses to breathe, I tell her as much.
Clearly, I am not pliant enough for her. So she takes matters into her own hands, literally. She steps behind me and begins to strongly massage my shoulders. Folks who know me well are aware that this is just about the worst thing you can do to me - I have a lot of neck and shoulder pain, and I'm sensitive about who gets to touch me there. "Oh, no, stop that," I say through a grimace. She stops only when the owner also admonishes her to lay off.
"You see, you are very oversensitive to pain and touch, so when I touch you, your defenses go up and you resist," she says. My, how observant! Yes, that is completely and totally true. And do you know what could have averted this negative experience, Deb? You could have simply asked me: May I Touch You?
Just Ask
That simple question would have established a level of mutual respect and trust, and would have gone a long way toward building a relationship where I could allow you to do bodywork with me. But by completely disrespecting my space, disrespecting my BODY, that chance is gone.
She didn't even apologize. And as I sat there, dabbing my eyes with a tissue, the owner apologized over and over. And then I felt like apologizing for making everyone uncomfortable. And then I wondered, am I being oversensitive? Am I missing out on some great bodywork that could change my life? But the answer came to me quickly: nope. I am setting boundaries for myself, doing what I know works for me.
Deb's the one with the issue. Folks who do bodywork should never EVER force someone to do something that doesn't feel right. In my experience, people who do great bodywork get to know someone before laying hands on them, talk about their clients' needs, fears and concerns first, and then develop an approach that works for them.
Why This Is Important Today
This is such a great day to talk about this issue, because many of us are about to spend time with family and friends who we don't see often. There's going to be a lot of hugging and squeezing going on, probably all done out of love, but not all good for you. If you have issues with people touching you, then you've got to speak up and take care of yourself. Folks who love you and respect you will listen and act appropriately.
It's all about asserting yourself in healthy ways and setting boundaries, so you can get your needs met. Because I love a little Good Touch, a couple years ago I talked my friends and family through my needs. It only took a minute, and I worried that they would think I was a weirdo, but I got over it pretty quick - because now I can really relax around them and share moments of physical affection that replenish me. It's great to connect physically with people. I have one friend who always asks me if she can hug me, and I always say yes - and I think that trust and agreement solidifies our relationship.
So go forth, ladies, and enjoy the holidays and all the Good Touch they can offer. (Ahem, and if it's really good, e-mail me about writing a sex column, because I'm looking for contributors!)
Happy Thanksgiving! XO Jenni, the Editrix
p.s. if you're wondering who makes me look great even when I'm really angry, it's James Warden, photographer extraordinaire.
Posted: 11/23/2005 in Venting | Also posted in: Relationships
