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Reports from the fungal jungle
by Meredith Grover
* Plus: Read to the end for Six Steps to Summer Survival! *
About four years ago, I woke up one morning with the worst itch in my nether region and boobs. I scratched the itch and couldn’t stop. I tried everything to avoid going to the doctor, and oatmeal baths became my best friend. Finally, there came a point when I could no longer ignore the problem. I had rubbed myself raw and I had weird dime-sized dry patches on my areolas. I thought I was gonna have a nervous breakdown.
I went to the general practitioner, the Ob/Gyn, and finally two dermatologists—and finally was diagnosed with vaginal eczema, a.k.a. Fungal Jungle. Too much tomato sauce, too much citrus, too much caffeine, too much sex, too many hot baths and showers, too much spandex in my sexy panties, the wrong soap and detergents: suddenly tons of things I loved had become my worst enemies.
What was a girl to do? These were my best friends and I couldn’t imagine breaking up with them. A hot bubble bath after a hard day at work combined with a Cosmo was my winning combination. How could it now be fatal to my crotch???
I took all of the bad elements out of my diet and threw out products galore. I rubbed steroid cream everywhere I could and embraced the term “scent and dye free.” Then it happened. I woke up one day and thought, “What is missing this morning?” It was my crotch—it didn’t feel like it was on fire.
Since then, I have reintroduced some of my friends back into my life. I only allow certain friends over for short visits. Cosmos and Margaritas aren’t allowed over for daily sleepovers and red sauce is only allowed over once a month. My panty drawer got a face lift a la Joan Collins. My new mantra: 100% cotton can be just as dee-lish as spandex and lace. Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes feel the itch (and not in a sexy way). When I do, I head straight for a gallon jug of water, reevaluate what I’ve eaten, and try to remember how long I waited after my spandex-clad spinning class to take a shower and go commando for the rest of the evening.
Sometimes, I get really depressed. My pussy now is both my nemesis and my best friend. I feel guilty when I have a flare-up because I know that I control what I do to my body. How do you tell your spouse, “Not tonight, honey, my pussy is on fire, but I promise it’s not the clap”?! It can be a drag but I try to be upbeat about the whole situation. I can control my diet and my environment and this eczema is not going to kill me. So remember gals—next time you feel the urge to scratch that itch: don’t! Go to the doctor and make sure you just need some extra yogurt and a little pill.
* * * * *
The Queen of the Fungal Jungle’s Six Steps to Summer Survival
By Meredith Grover
- No matter what you think, polyester vintage pants are not your summertime friend. If you wear poly, try skirts and dresses instead of pants. Let your girl breathe – it’s hot out there!
- Drink lots of water and apple juice – avoid an overdose of sweet tea ‘cuz it has a lot of caffeine!
- Vodka Lemonades & Margaritas taste great but they have a lot of citrus – Crotch Beware!
- Latin food is great but go easy on the fresh tomatoes, salsas and lime on fish tacos – everything is better in moderation. As an alternative, Thai and Vietnamese cuisine has some citrus and spice but very little tomato product.
- Showers are important in the summer but remember to go light on the soap and keep your temperature cool. This will ensure that your nether region stays clean but happy.
- If you head to the beach, make sure and bring a sundress or a moo-moo so the trip home can be made without the wet suit. Go commando and let your girl breathe a little!
P.S. - a disclaimer: We do our best to provide accurate information, but ChronicBabe.com is not meant as a substitute for professional medical care, diagnosis or treatment. Please consult your health care provider before embarking on any new treatment. Read our whole disclaimer here.
Posted: 6/20/2005 in Coping | Also posted in: Chronically Sexy
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